Fill er' up!

I have been doing a lot of pondering lately. And by me just writing that makes me think I should have a slow southern drawl with black coffee steaming next to me.

It seems exhausting to go into details of all the crazy things that have happened especially because it seems that is what life is right now. For the past two plus years it seems to be non stop crazy stuff. I have become a little self conscious of myself. I have been wondering about is it me that makes drama and crazy stuff happen? Is it how I live my life?

I know that I can be fairly dramatic in my retelling of events (even it is how I am feeling about it) but I do think that I know that I am being that way.

My mom told me a few times over the weekend how blogs are embarrassing. That people say things that other people don't need to know. And I know that maybe she has read a blog once of mine but it made me think "Is she referring to me?". I didn't want to answer because I didn't want the question answered. I told her that I didn't write anything that I wouldn't tell someone outloud and in public for that matter. To this she just shook her head. So we continued our time at the beach as a family and I continued the dialogue in my head about blogs.

I am a big believer in sharing how you feel about something and altough I don't always have great tact I don't divulge things like a private journal, even some of those things I don't like sharing with myself.

All this train of thought led me (as it usually does) to how I am percieved by my immediate family and really most importantly to my kids. I want to be open with them. I am determined to help my kids by being the best me possible at the given time. And I guess as we are all different that means different things to everyone. I will share with you the things that are most important to me for my kids to know

1. God loves them and is real
2. That I love them unconditionally and of how much great worth they are
3. That they have a responsibility to be kind to others and treat themselves well too
4. That I love their Father
5. To have fun responsibly (even if I use the term responsibly loosely)

How can I teach my kids these things? How am I not going to throw them into therapy from all my flaws? How am I going be a great example to them while being human and imperfect? I am not exactly sure but I know that I need to start with the basics.

Keep myself filled up. Take care of myself physically and spiritually. Take care of my husband and I's relationship. And be the example of how one can live their life in a way that suits them and that nourishes not only their soul but their family's as well.

So lately I have been focusing on that. Filling up my life with people, activities, food (delicious and not delicious) that fill me up.

Because although it is truly unfortunate ice cream, chocolate almonds, coca cola, does not make me a happy mom. Nor does browsing the internet all day or (big sigh) reading US weekly and people for two hours.

So to you ladies who also had chocolate for breakfast I dedicate this to year (this is me smashing champagne bottle on the monitor). We can do it. We can fill er' up. And by Golly we can all avoid (hopefully) intensive therapy for our loved ones.

What do you want?

Peanut butter is delicious. I prefer it crunchy and organic (only because I heard it was less fattening...). If it is to do mixed with chocolate I prefer it in a tiny reese's peanut butter cup.

I believe in God. And just like that miniature peanut butter cup I like it in my own type of dose. I don't mean to say that I am not a very religious person or that I do not believe in organized religion (because I very strongly due) but the older I get. The faster I see my kids growing up. The more strenuous situations I am put in with being a Mother the more I find myself needing that special Reese's peanut butter cup.

Today I went to church and someone quoted someone by saying this "If you want what someone else has then do what they do".

I have said many times before. I don't have a model body or had been born with skinny genes but I also don't work out everyday and eat really healthy foods. This gives me some comfort. It means that I look like this by choice. Although even if I did all those things I wouldn't spring a pair of long legs and full lips.

"If you want what someone else has then do what they do."

This really struck a mommy string in me. I thought to myself "What do I want? What do I admire in people?"

My list can go on together but I think it comes to this. I want the strength that in horrible circumstance I can keep it together and that I can enjoy life to its fullest. I have a great mommy friend with 5 boys. Thats right 5 boys. And to I would suspect many, that seems like an extreme amount but she is one of those people who you could only picture having lots of kids. Its because of how much love she seems to be able to radiate.

Her boys are well behaved and very adventurous for little boys and when you are around them you can sense the joy that is in their home very often.

So today with all the potty training going on. Pushing of wills, crying (no not just from me but from my two tired kids as well), the stained carpet, the broken once manicured toe nail (my last bit of decency!) that quote clicked.

You as a mommy can complain about the family you were raised with. Complain that if I just had "that kid" (the one who sits miraculously and reads a book for an hour) You would be a better parent. That if my spouse who just help out more and smother we more with diamonds and kisses and dates and doting that I would be a better Mother. But the truth is you are a better Mother because you chose to be.

Which means because I want to be like my friend and be better at my chosen occupation then I have to muster up the courage to get er' done. To find what I need to not be so exhausted of this hard season in my life.

There are a lot of things that I want that other have. Some impossible granted (because Harry potter can't actually teach me magic). But I know I have the will to stick it out (proven by my ability to wait in hours of lines just to get a beautiful pair of shoes). I know that I have my peanut butter cup in my pocket comforting me and that other moms out there who are going through the same potty training, ornery kid mess I am that I am.

Sneeky treats

With kids I have learned to be sneaky and I am still deciding if it is proper or not. I say this as I am sitting with my back striaight chair legs tucked neatly behind me-crossed and sipping Earl Grey.

Ben and Jerry's was on sale at the grocery store and I bought it for the nutritional value of course. Chunky monkey (fruit) Half baked (wheat bread) Phish food (Omega 3) and double chunk fudge (this was my husbands and I definitley tisked him for eating something so unhealthy).

Is it wrong for me not to want to share these treats with my kids? I am sure most would say no but then again would most wait until the kids are in bed to eat them?

What about if your kids don't always take naps. What if you decide you want Phish food for dinner? What if your husband comes home and asks "Where are the three containers of such and such-I wanted some?

You hide. You learn to be sneeky and to be honest it feels really good.

I imagine myself smearing myself in old milk and cheerios to camoflauge with the ground. Using my spreadable belly skin to suction cup to the walls and spider man it to the freezer.

"AAAAAh No sister!" covers the creak of the freezer door as cool air penetrates my nervous skin. I grab my pint and inch toward the silverware drawer. Blue and black eyes laser beam my hand and I drop the spoon

"NOOOOOO!" I yell as the water spotted spoon looks up at me and delicious jerry and I see a trickle of tear run down his silvery face.

"Will I make it?" I think to myself.

Will we all survive?

(DEEP SIGH)

So I stuff my special someth'n someth'n back in the freezer and encourage my kids to read their books.

And as Blue eye's little sister is about to take his toy they both get distracted again by another confrontation and I (knowing better) quickly grab my clattered spoon and save Jerry and tell my kids turning my head to the side so they don't see the bite I've taken "I've got to take care of something in my room I'll be back soon".

Exhale Jerry and I are alone at last.

Maybe for you it isn't ice cream. Maybe it is keeping the twilight series in the bathroom and for some reason it is taking an extra long amount of time in the powder room.

Sometimes sneeky feels reaaaally good. In a day of Toddler and/or baby routine it often pays to be sneeky. And if your lucky you win treats.

Talk about it

Why is that sometime we have to go to Hell and back to figure out where we want to be and ideally where we are?

I have learned and relearning about the need for help. The need for a 'Village'. I think often that it would be nice to have a village again. A society where we know each other better. Where we are involved with each other more.

We have so many distractions (mine is the computer).

During my period of non medicated up and downs I went to a short lecture about Faith in Trying times. It was a religious lecture focusing on how the person speaking had been through multiple hardships and had to learn to listen to that small voice that tells you what to do to help. To pray for help.

I am a very religious person. I can't say that I always have been but I grew up in a family that was devout. And it wasn't until my very trying times that I learned what it really meant to pray.

Sometime talking about it outloud sounds so cheezy. But to someone who understands even a glimpse of that reality.

During that lecture I thought about many of the situations I put myself in at home. And what was it that I could do to make my job (a chosen at home) more successful, more rewarding and less stressful.

So we cancelled cable-because I could easily stick my kids in front of it all day and/or myself and watch all my favorite shows instead of going to bed at a decent hour

I lowered my expectations of myself-yes it is nice to have a clean house and any pictures we take casually of our family has stuff in the background (spilled food perhaps, laundry, toys, shoes) but that is the stage of life we are in

Found the things which help me be happy-working out really hard can actually be really invigorating, praying fervently, reading scriptures, decluttering

Renewed my vows to invest in relationships-A new good friend taught me about the freedom of no silly gossip (something she doesn't do and something I now am aware of with myself), that quality time with my husband is not watching television-its just talking, that there is always something with your own family that drives you crazy but it is probably better just to get over it (or sever ties if need be which I have had to do)


Why is it that so much of what hurts us we don't talk about?

As mommies it is our job to provide the best environment for our kids. That is what we signed up for. You know yourself well enough and for some of us our spouses know us well enough to know what that best is. We/I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of my family. It isn't just about time and staring at them and saying 'I love you' It is also about being an example. Showing that we value ourselves so of course our children are valued as well.

I have learned after going to depths of despair and coming back and feeling more myself (at least the new me that I am getting to know) That you need to talk about it. You need to do something about it. And you need to leave room for change when something better and fulfilling comes into place even if it is uncomfortable at first.

Kind of like a new bra. Sure you may be used to the grandma lugger holder but they weren't meant to touch your belly button. Hike em up and wear em' proud.

Disappointed

I recently read a couple articles in some fashion magazines that I like. One was an interview with Gisele (soon after having her baby) and the other was with Heidi Klum. Both beautiful both supermodels. Both soon after having babies in bikinis and looking great. But both of which gain what is needed for their babies (not 40 or 50lbs) and workout and eat really well to be able to do so. They don't treat their bodies like garbage bags.

Since having my first baby I have still not figured out the balance of all done up or nothing done. I went from working and being dressed stylishly in tailored clothes. Make-up and Hair done everyday to being at home and rarely sporting make up and definitley never tailored clothing.

I had an ephiphany a few days ago when I was discussing this very topic with my sister/confidant/person who tells me how it is and I still love her. "We aren't all Gisele's. Yes you should do your make up"

And I was a bit disappointed. Sure I see magazines and know that that isn't my body type or bone structure. Even if I worked out and lets saw got really fit I would never have long lean legs. But it is still sad to me to finally come to terms with this fact. There is as part of me that really did want to think "Well if I did get really fit I would look like that".

Aww man. I really liked the fantasy that there are people out there who were sprinkled with extra lean dust in Heaven who can eat whatever they want, not workout, and still look fabulous.

So you mean in order to look our best we actually need to 'do' ourselves and nurture our bodies. Boring.

So as I mull this over and type this, listening to my baby girl learn to put herself to sleep and nudging my newly emptied snickers bar to get to the "Q" key I think "Its time to be your best self"

My body has changed a lot. Things are lower and I swear parts have moved completely since giving birth and I am still not used to it but I want to be my best self on the outside as well. It is something that is important to me so (Looong heavy sigh) I guess I actually need to put in the work and do it.

I guess its a lot like helping your baby go to sleep on her own. Some kids cry one night for 40minutes (My oldest) and wam bam they sleep through the night where as others (baby girl for example) take weeks to wean from being put down and falling
Why is it that fantasy can be so disappointing?

Some people naturally and I also think were nurtured to take care of their bodies and be active. They learn early on that work pays off. Where as people like me it takes a long time to finally break down and say "I am tired of feeling like I am wearing a fat suit so I am going to do something about it". It takes weeks to wean myself off of snacking all day and took a good 4 weeks of aerobics classes to realize that hard work feels wonderful and is very rewarding.

So if you are feeling disappointed about yourself break through your dark cloud of self doubt/fear/laziness and get your butt moving.

Life is meant to be enjoyed not be disappointed by.

How to Sober up

A few months ago I called the mental health hotline for my insurance. I had had a really low point where it seemed everything hurt, almost literally. It was like I had all the unexpressed desires, hurts, angers, fears bottled up inside and it made my body hurt.

I was tired, angry and I spent much of a night crying to God about my anguish.

After talking with my sister who gratefully is open about her own struggles told me, "Take it from me, you don't want to get where I have been. Get help now".

So I called my insurer to talk about who was covered so that I could get chemical help (I wish this just meant a facial of somekind on a paradise beach).

While on the phone the kind women (who is a trained therapist) asked me the routine questions one of which was

"How have you self medicated?" I laughed. "Crying and food" I answer

"How much alcohol have you used to self medicate"

not surprised I say, "None, I don't drink, but sometimes I wish I did".

"No you don't, then you would have a whole other load of problems".

I don't drink alcohol and I never have. I know I don't just speak from my experience, but I have talked with more than 3 people (all of which don't drink) about how sometimes it seems like it would be nice to, or as I have said

"It is a good thing that I don't drink or I think at this point I would be an alcoholic"

Self medication. Self soothing. Something we try to teach our babies so that they sleep and don't need pacifiers or a bottle to be able to sleep (items that have been deemed either unhealthy or corroding to development).

As adults we need that too. As moms we need that even more. What is it that you self soothe with?

As divine and specifically different people we need different things. We receive things differently, we cope differently, we respond differently.

But what I believe (and am learning over and over again) Is that we need close relationships. We need bonding. We need to feel loved and heard. Some people may get that from blogging (wonder why so many people do it?) It may relieve you of your thoughts without the pressure of being judged in as my computer husband would say 'real time'.

We need, especially mommies close connections with friends. You can vent on a blog, rant on a blog, but the only way to find satisfaction with any of it is sharing it with somebody who you know loves you despite anything you feel you may be hiding under the table.

Its the difference between having fast food and a homemade meal from scratch. Sure In n out is quick easy and relieves your hunger faster, but the result does not last as long and just plain isn't satisfying especially if you are used to 'real food'.

Those deep, intimate connections relate us to others and help make what we say feel important.

I am a fairly open person but I have to push myself often to do it.

I have felt alone in the world, I have felt at times friendless and marooned.

But I have learned that there is nothing like talking with a friend whom has served and you have served and who you have exchanged trials with that is more sobering.

Coming to Terms

I love people. I haven't always been a really social person. I remember being little and being a lot more timid and Shy. Being in a room with lots of people I was intimidated by it and a lot more comfortable being by myself and reading.

Not to mention I had an older sister who I always felt was my opposite. We were (are-duh) two years apart. She was opinionated and the girl who matched her underwear to her socks, to her bow, to her shirt, to her shoes. It was the 80's, but c'mon.

She was louder than I was and cooler in school. She told people what she thought directly and never seemed scared to get into trouble. She kept really good grades.

I on the other hand remember specifically my mom telling me "Here are clothes that you can interchange so that they always match". On a morning when my mom picked out my outfit I cried all the way to school because I thought it looked horrific.

My sister took me to the yard lady to help and she said, "The only thing ugly on your face is those tears" and even at the age of 7 I thought it was cheesy that she said that.

Do you ever think about how you became the person you are now?

As a person who once wanted to major in Psychology and as a person who can be found in Therapy I have thought a lot about it.

I became a lot more outgoing in middle school and by high school although I shyed away from a lot of things that seemed to hard, or challenging, or threatening (like trying out for sports, or a play) I didn't pull so far away from Social situations (the crazy boy hormones helped alot too with breaking that barrier)

Being a mom now helps me reflect on my own childhood. The things I was taught, or what at least I percieved to be my reality.

I have talked with my sister about a lot of situations and memories that I remember and either she doesn't remember them, or remembers them so differently?

And really it comes down to this. I am becoming a little more worried about how my kids will remember me and their childhood. As my therapist often says to me though "But now you recognize the things that you would like to be different and make sure you do that for your children" Or for instance don't do.

So I am coming to terms with my mere 25 years of life. I am realizing that even though my mom (God bless her) Had 3 kids by the time she was 25.....3 KIds! That I am the mother I choose to be.

Keeping it Real

I am the mom who in order to blog will let her baby pull everything out of a cupboard as long as it isn't dangerous.

I am the mom who will feed her kid marshmellows as a bribe on a crazy day just so they will lay in bed (He is now conditioned to ask for chocolate when he is tired...no I am not joking)

I am the mom who squeezes into things, pulls them off, puts something else on, looks in the mirror, hates her hair, then opts to wear the comfiest non pj's in her closet and gives her hair the evil eye while scrounging the house for bobby pins.

I have those days

I have been taught many things. And I am still learning.

I am the mom who won't shave her legs for a week just to prove that I don't have to and then forget that I have done this while wearing capri's at the gym.

I am the mom that surveys just about any landscape and room seeing the dangerous heighths and pictures her energetic toddler climbing to it and jumping to his death.

I will never have a two story house with kids under the age of 10.

I am the mom who hasn't felt beautiful in probably 10 years. I don't consider myself ugly, but I think I am rather ordinary.

I am the mom who realizes there is something wrong with this.

And I am the mom who has learned to seek help for what she cannot do for herself and to be brave enough to be honest about it.

I am the mom who needs, wants, hopes, to keep it real.

Its my sanity.

Mom's need Therapy Kid's need their mom's

I am sitting at the computer chair fragrance ing the air with my new Banana boat aerosol self tanner. My shirt literally reads "SAVE ME" with a droplet of water, pony tail and new 'mom' jeans.

I have been thinking a lot lately and at times too much lately of how hard it is to be at home with my kids. I used to think that if you chose to stay at home it was because you were happy enough to do it, that your husband made a ton of money so you were never stressed and your kids would be happier. I was wrong.

I am grateful and proud that I have the opportunity to stay at home with my 2 kids, but it is extremely challenging.

When Andrew was 3 months old I dabbled a bit in working with my previous employer. I remember the conversation I had with my Dad about whether, or not I wanted to work.

"Well, do you feel like you are going to go crazy"

"yes"

"You know you are going to have thousands of more hours with him even though you are gone for a few"

So even though I felt guilty because I had the opportunity to stay at home, but was not happy with what I was doing (no help from post partum depression either).

I worked until basically was told they were cutting back which after working in HR new was going to happen and was OK with it, but sad because I looked forward to dressing up and putting my face on and wearing pretty heels. It was my special something.

It takes a lot of prayer, a lot of support, and a lot of courage to stay at home full time. I hear from people many of which I admire for other reasons say "I could never stay at home, I need something else I would go crazy". I nod my head understanding what they mean, but I do agree that there is something greatly lost when you choose not to.

I learn over and over that I cannot judge. I know that place, I am not in your skin, but I want to say

"Buck up! Yes, its hard. Yes, you will go crazy at times. But your kids are little, they need you and they grow up so fast! Your life will not be over or any less important because you are not recieving credit from the world, or a paycheck"

Because these are the things I think and say to myself.

Will my kids still have issues when they are older even though I chose to stay at home? Probably.

Will my kids be constantly happier because I choose to stay at home all day? No, but I think it helps.

Did my husband make a ton of money and life was grand when I chose to stay at home? No way, but you sacrifice.

Am I an extremely happy person and that is why I choose to stay at home? No

But I have realized the value of my children's time . When I am old and look back I want my kids to remember me being physically and emotionally available to them. I want them to remember that I chose to stay at home and be there after school to help with homework because I wanted to show them I wanted to be with them and I hope that when that time comes they will know that I did it with Sacrifice, not because I need their kudos, but because I want them to know how much they are valued.

So lessons learned,

my kids go crazy and have really rough days with me, but after 8+ hours by myself with them their ear bleeding screams don't bother me so much--so I know I am becoming more patient in general

I do go crazy quite often and wonder what it would be like to be able to drop, or leave your kids with someone and being able to go a paycheck job and not having to deal with the daily crazy--but I have learned that I can do it--I am continually become more courageous and self assured

I do wish at times (ongoing since Andrew was first born) that we had more money that didn't go directly to living expenses, but that attitude doesn't change with pay increases it comes from within--I have learned you can go without and that it forces you to find happiness in family and in moments when your kids smile at you and say 'I love you'--Its OK to sacrifice

I don't think I am a great example of an at home mom, but I do my best. Its a choice what you are willing to sacrifice and I guess I chose to sacrafice some of my sanity. And if asked to do it again for my children the answer would definitley be yes. That being said I would start seeing a therapist a lot sooner.

Stop worrying about yourself

There was a really hard day at home. Kids, no naps from them, and wailing and gnashing of teeth. I felt so bad for myself and was on the brink of despair (keep in perspective of coarse that I do realize I can be a bit dramatic to myself and I know I chose to be at home with kids).

I was sick and tired of feeling so grumpy that day I got this in my head "Mariah, calm down and find a way to enjoy it. You chose to be here". So what did I do? I thought about what would be fun (my motivator)
I decided to throw myself a party

I baked a cake, ordered a pizza, and a redbox.

I called Kalon and told (should have said asked, but if I am being honest here I might as well be completely) him to pick up the pizza and redbox on the way home.

I am actually pretty embarassed to admit this, but it did make me realize that you don't have to be perfection. Its okay to lower your standards so that your brain doesn't seize and give up the ghost of sanity.

Slow down and shorten your list of to do's to 'to musts'

This event described above was a couple months ago and after the past two emotionally awful weeks for me I got a nice thump on my head last night. I had been feeling really lonely and marooned a bit and even though we have been here for about 6 months I was wanting so bad to be in contact with people I have grown to love while first learning about being a mom.

I received a much needed message from a BFF of mine by the name of Shmar (yes, that is her given name). Lame, that I hadn't been able to pick up the phone etc. but hearing her and what had been going on with her family made me realize "YOu do have friends and they have problems too, so calm down and stop whining about yourself...to yourself"

So I have to say even though I miss the one on one interaction with my dear friend I think it was a blessing in a way from Heavenly Father that Life does feel awful at times, but you aren't the only one who feels that way.

So To You Shmar--I hope we are able to talk officially on the phone instead of through messages and I hope that whenever you read this you will know that I hope you get to write a little of your book.

And to anyone else who has made it this far...if there is anyone reading this at all. I relearn over and over again that I just need to stop worrying about myself and ask for help.

New Years Resolutions

Christmas was great. Kalon got work off (Adobe closes down Dec.24th-Jan1st) so we have him with us and it is awesome. We go work out together, cook together and hang out with the kids together.
WE went to bed before midnight which was my preference and I am still in PJ's woohoo.

Happy New Year. IF you haven't notice I still haven't figured out the new photo program K put on and seriously it is crazy how much less time you have with just one more kid. Seriously.

But New Years resolutions anyone? I personally am not a fan of them, but I did decide that I am going to stop doing the things that I hate.

I am going to do my best to do the things I enjoy, and or work on enjoying the things that I don't, because life is too crazy to hate things that you do. Slideshow pictures to come of our last two holidays!

And to my pregnant fellow blogger friends. Pat your tummy for me!