pSshhhhh.

Pffft...ffffffttt...pssssssshhhhh.
Oh man-one day I will have soundbites on my computer. I will also in this UFO type future get to spend my nights commenting on commerials. Like a mystery science theatre thing. Even if it wasn't like a real show it would be so, much fun.
I am an English Major's worst nightmare. I mean...well, me and Curious George-he might have me beat.
Either way, I love writing and I hate editing. That is the worst.
Its like making a beautiful, chocolate cake, so delicious lookin' (oh snap to you English comp teacher!) and then you sit down to eat it and you have someone oc'd ing on your eating. Barking things like: use a napkin! hold your fork right! don't drop crumbs!
The weather in this ol country state is chilly. I've seen people in snowish jackets and a man with hairy arms in cargo shorts, sandals and tank top. I myself am wearing my boots and a sweater (with my hairy arms covered).

Last week it got to the 90's and despite my scowling and hissing and renting of my coats the rain and clouds came to poop out their despair. OH San Diego!
This transitioning has been hard. Mostly because when the week is this weather its not like "oh we are having a cold spell" its like "dun dun dun!!!-Winter is coming all you MotherFathers" and then it does the big KISS tongue wag.

My new neighborhood is nice. Lots of smiling people. I think the size of houses (or amount of kids that are within them) keep a lot of the adults lurking in the kitchens of their home all day. From the porch out my back door I can see into about 8 different neighbor's backyards. And I am happy to announce that today, for the first time I saw an adult women in the backyard behind me. I know I've gabbbed about it before but you always see random kids running around, you can hear them crying, yelling, laughing etc but an adult is a rare occassion in this neighborhood (which still gives more credit to my suspicion of alien's running the neighborhood in child bodies). And I know the women who emerged from her home a few minutes ago was human because she was not smiling while she took out the trash. And human's know not to smile while taking out the trash.

I have a lot of people ask me how I am settling in. And I picture that much like a cat would wonks around in a small circle, sits down, readjusts, starts kneading, gets up again and finds a new spot to sit in. And then every now and then there is a breeze that cackles up the cat's fur and it has to readjust. That is how I feel. I don't know if I will ever be settled in but I think I can get comfortable enough. I wish settling was just hoping and praying-because I definitley do that-its I think more a feeling of contentment and I am not sure at this point if I will ever have that here.

I know, I know, besides all the grammatical errors I insist on having in my writing  and dramatic views about how I feel. I always think-well usually think-its best to be honest. I think that people at times are too selfish with their feelings. I think sometimes we as people are overprotective of our feelings. We don' want them to get hurt so we don't share them. But there is no such thing as a weak feeling. I definitley think people need to hone their feelings and how they react to them but I think that if we were more of a sharing community we would be more empathetic. And if we all did this I am pretty Sure God would then Say "awww look at all the nice people! Ok ok, everyday can be like San Diego and here's some chocolate cake".

And if God did that for me-I know he would get Curious George the desperate help he needs with his good English.

Vaseline

There is something very cool to me about running. Like if someone says they are a runner I kind of automatically  suspect they are a very determined and put together person.
Most runners I see...maybe I should say "have seen" (my neighborhood I see no runners, San Diego there were zillions...along with dog walkers...) but Most runners I see wear tightly fit athletic clothing.

I recently got a treadmill from amazon. It was a low priced one with good reviews and it was under 400 dollars. I was pretty excited because as a person who deals with depression and some anxiety and like many other people I have stresses in my life. I am not built for running but I do enjoy (when I acclimate to it) a nice thumping pace  where afterwards my body is tired and sweaty but it feels like my body moved and tired out from something "productive".

So anyways, my merswah put together the treadmill in the basement for me. It is positioned near a wall, where I hope to one day have television televised on a small tv. The first time I used it-I was not only ill prepared but forgot that if you haven't ran for 2-3 months your body is going to have to work up to it again. I was got so hot and sweaty and did mostly quick walking.

So, me being the thinker-decided that having a treadmill in the basement of my home was going to liberate me from the restraints of certain clothings that going to a public gym puts on you.
So, the next night  and with team effort I put on my sports bra and a pair of cut off sweat shorts-that I found on clearance at old navy- and trotted down to the treadmill to work out.

It was going to be freeing and cooler and I could just feel my hidden ab muscles flexing as I started to jog (aka 3.7 on my permanently inclined treadmill).

Something I didn't realize at the time, when I was putting on above pictured shorts is that when you wear shorts exposing flesh...that flesh rubs. And that rubbed flesh gets sore really fast.

I am not going to say chubby girls shouldn't wear shorts running but I will say that I should not be wearing shorts again while running unless I learn to walk/jog like a cowboy-all bowlegged.

And  when I am 80 and my diaper is full I might be more naturally inclined to jog 

$7.49 of shorts wasted. That could have bought me like 6 cokes at Mcdonald's or like.....1/4 tub of lipsitck from Chanel.

Oh well, you live you learn and then buy a bottle of vaseline (which I am hoping might make me run faster as well...kind of like how in National Lampoon Christmas Vacation the snow saucer gets all buffed  and waxed and zips around skidding around corners)....or I'll wear leggings.

Do not Covet

There was this time in Highschool where there was this girl. I didn't paticularly enjoy her company among other things. And I'll just say she had bad acne. She had it on her face, back, chest...you get the point. I remmeber gossipping to someone about the acne. That it was...ahem..."Gross and how I am glad I did not have that".
   Yes, being 30 now...heck even a few days afterward I felt bad about the judgy comment (its true genes have chubby and easy addictions but we dont' have really bad acne) But especially now being 30 and oh so much more reflective I don't' feel guilty but I still find it embarassing.
   Well, Heaven Knows how to teach me lessons because I swear to you just week afterwards I got fatty zits on my chest. Not like a forest of them but enough that I got the point!

   Since then I am still learning by experience and remind myself each time I get all preachy and judgy that it will happen to me. No matter what holy water I fling around the room or incense I burn. IF I judge I too will be judge or get the same fate.

    I wish to some extent this would happen to things you covet. I love fashion magazines. I love fashion, I love colors, I love make up, I love home decor. All things which are pretty much exterior.
   Now, I know better than to think my life is established on morals I see presented in magazines. I do not beileve my body should look like the body I see in  a magazine. I don't think my body should look any better than how I take care of it and how I am naturally shaped but sometimes I covet the ease of wearing certain styles.
     I started enjoying running (when I ran...ahem clarification: quickly walked with hobbit length legs out of breath). The part I hated about it wasnt' being winded, it was how putting on my sports bra was a two man effort. If I wanted those mothers to stay put they were squished down enough to touch my neck and the 5 hook masterpiece took a bit of effort to buckle. My husband has much  stronger fingers I think now because of this.
     I also, am curious about how someone so top heavy-as myself-has such little feet. Giving someone with short legs a large bust and tiny feet seems mean to scream "Be a full time homemaker not an athlete". I do not think my body was made for athleticism.
   If I was a cave person I would be the grandma stirring the porridge pot all day-or kicked out because I suck at being a nurse maid. That would have never happened. The nursemaid part didn't even work our for my own kids.
    Its kind of like how little men drive large monster trucks. Like someone is compensating for something? That is what it is like for me when I have a baby. Its all for show.
    There are a lot of things I covet. One, long strong legs of a person, Someone who thrives on a clean house but isn't a mental mess about it but it is highly motivated by extreme order, A person who exudes love-the person who-I know (because I am magic) will befriend even the squirreliest trolls and who never resents what they have been given. And yes, sometimes I do covet the length of the model in the magazine's body. Dont get me wrong. Being short has some advantages: I never worry about doorways, clearing light fixtures, my pants being too short....it was easier to find a man taller than me. But considering I have the body of an Italian grandma I tip toe to reach just about everything in my cupboards...(and I don't even have nice calves to prove it!)....I should be a lot better cook. Because I am pretty sure all Italian Grandmas are great cooks.

       So it seems Karma is more of if you judge someone watch out and if you covet something it just makes you unhappy. I am continually learning how to admire people more rather than wish I had what they had-if it be a soul type trait not an outside one. And after weaning off medications and gaining upwards of 20 lbs I have a lot more sympathy for others who have a hard time staying at a comfortable  and healthy BMI weight.

          I am definitely looking forward to the treadmill that is coming sometime in the next week! With winter getting closer and summer staying in San Diego (BOOHOOOHoo). I definitely will be using my hamster trail downstairs with my "Special" light (i.e. uv light for winter). And despite my past experience, I am trying extra hard this time around to be more cautious about the food choices I make. Because even if weaning off means I will gain weight (which I already have) it would be nice if it jiggled just a little less.

      I am grateful to have a body. A functioning body. I have my issues just like lots of people and I don't enjoy the swollenness I get on my right side but....I am capable of a lot (more with my special little compression sock). No teeth have fallen out, I have at least 5 eye lashes to put mascara on, and I don't have black arm hair. SO...life is good.