Monday, June 28, 2010

Talk about it

Why is that sometime we have to go to Hell and back to figure out where we want to be and ideally where we are?

I have learned and relearning about the need for help. The need for a 'Village'. I think often that it would be nice to have a village again. A society where we know each other better. Where we are involved with each other more.

We have so many distractions (mine is the computer).

During my period of non medicated up and downs I went to a short lecture about Faith in Trying times. It was a religious lecture focusing on how the person speaking had been through multiple hardships and had to learn to listen to that small voice that tells you what to do to help. To pray for help.

I am a very religious person. I can't say that I always have been but I grew up in a family that was devout. And it wasn't until my very trying times that I learned what it really meant to pray.

Sometime talking about it outloud sounds so cheezy. But to someone who understands even a glimpse of that reality.

During that lecture I thought about many of the situations I put myself in at home. And what was it that I could do to make my job (a chosen at home) more successful, more rewarding and less stressful.

So we cancelled cable-because I could easily stick my kids in front of it all day and/or myself and watch all my favorite shows instead of going to bed at a decent hour

I lowered my expectations of myself-yes it is nice to have a clean house and any pictures we take casually of our family has stuff in the background (spilled food perhaps, laundry, toys, shoes) but that is the stage of life we are in

Found the things which help me be happy-working out really hard can actually be really invigorating, praying fervently, reading scriptures, decluttering

Renewed my vows to invest in relationships-A new good friend taught me about the freedom of no silly gossip (something she doesn't do and something I now am aware of with myself), that quality time with my husband is not watching television-its just talking, that there is always something with your own family that drives you crazy but it is probably better just to get over it (or sever ties if need be which I have had to do)

Why is it that so much of what hurts us we don't talk about?

As mommies it is our job to provide the best environment for our kids. That is what we signed up for. You know yourself well enough and for some of us our spouses know us well enough to know what that best is. We/I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of my family. It isn't just about time and staring at them and saying 'I love you' It is also about being an example. Showing that we value ourselves so of course our children are valued as well.

I have learned after going to depths of despair and coming back and feeling more myself (at least the new me that I am getting to know) That you need to talk about it. You need to do something about it. And you need to leave room for change when something better and fulfilling comes into place even if it is uncomfortable at first.

Kind of like a new bra. Sure you may be used to the grandma lugger holder but they weren't meant to touch your belly button. Hike em up and wear em' proud.

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