Dealing with Anxiety

I never really thought I had anxiety. I have met many people who have talked about their anxiety in forms of not sleeping at night and ruminating all of the horrible things that could happen-nightly.

So in that way I didn't think I had it. I do but its in a different way.

Last week was an extra crazy week. I was gone everynight of the week for a social function or service. Non stop busy. So as Sunday night came and a new week was beginning I started getting weary of ANY engagements of the week.

And it wasn't until 2pm on Monday (a carpool day-me taking home) that I remembered I had a 4pm dentist appointmentt. AAah!

Dentist days for me should be the day when you are at home having fun with your kids making messes and creations not being busy. Dentist alone causes anxiety.

So come 3:30 I've been running around most the day since 8am and I was in a little panic inside my head (I Don't want to go to the dentist and the house is a mess and etc etc etc)

My sweet husband listens to me (who bless him was home from work sick sick sick and in pj's but still taking the effort to help me talk about the thigns sitting in my brain).

Because when I am stressed and anxious about the lack of time (or really lack of control) over things happening in the week I can't see all the control I do have and I am like a black hole. Pulling in all the other things happening in the next two weeks and piling that on top of myself and thinking about it un rationally.

And then there was still the impending doom of the dentist.

I have been off medication for quite some time now and I don't easily forget the feelings like the above explained nearly every single day before I sought help-so then I pull that into my hole "Oh my gosh do I need medication again?'

Ruminating, analyzing, worrying, and feeling stuck in what you don't want to do etc.

That is my anxiety.


NO amount of logical thinking helps me in these cases. It makes it worse because for me how I am thinking is rational and logical even if I know in different circumstances I might not be pulling the world around me for no reason except for being anxious.

That being said and all that above hufflepuff and I dont' have a system down pat to help with it but I do have helpers.

1. Talk to someone who will listen (even if you yourself say it outloud without anyone hearing-something I've done).

2. Find something to do that blocks out your thoughts for a little bit (music you can sing to, reading a book, a funny show)

3. Do something. Maybe doing 1 thing on your long mental list (I hate writing it down because for me it almost validates all the things that HAVE to be done- on paper makes it real)

4. Cut out tomorrow, or the next two hours and focus on that hour you are in-how can you make it the best for the situation

5. Fill up at a quite time of things that are deeply rewarding. There is somethingto be said for being on empty and still being needy-you have no more to give it feels!

6. Reassess the decisions I've been making when I am in a calmer place. Anxiety, fear, regret all has a place in life, it shouldn't rule your life but they are purposeful emotions. Maybe a decision your making isnt' the right one and you are feeling anxious because you need to be cautious or should't be doing what you are going to do. Or you need to mantra yourself that its something new and there is a term my husband uses with me "The cost of experience" which I love. It doesn't end the world but you can learn from it. A perfectionist I think is a lot easier to get fettered by decisions because the decision although maybe menial might not be the optimal one-and that is OK!

I realize everyone's anxiety runs at different speeds and everyone has different triggers.

I need downtime, fun time, productive time-I am not a person who thrives on being busy all the time and feeling like these grand things are being accomplished. I am busy enough trying to raise beautiful human beings better than the best I hoped I could and counting down until I drink soda again (on our next family vacation-I have to start somewhere on this weaning off sugar thing).

With my kids older and both in school I treasure quiet time at my house (when they were younger and not in school I could barely stand being at home all the time especially since my youngest was always sick). When my kids are sick and we need to be in quarantine and all they wan to do is snuggle and watch shows and daze off I am like "HECK YEs!" that sounds awesome. No school, no times to be anywhere. Sole purpose is the just be here and do basics. And unless my husband is traveling for work I am feeling kind of spoiled ot be sitting down watching shows with my kids (although I have nearly outlawed Dora-oh my goodness she will one day come haunt me in my dreams as an old person).

I kind of think that once being in a low place you become somewhat extra sensitive (well maybe I should just speak for myself) of changes in mood. And it took me a while when I was on and while weaning off medication to figure out what my "normal" was. No one has great days all the time but is it normal for me to be anxious for a month? no.

It has helped me to figure out my triggers and then instill some safeguards (like I already knew-can't be gone every night of the week and be busy all day).

And although the perfectionist inside of me demands that I probably should be cleaning, prepping a freezer meal, cutting up all the strawberries, checking laundry, working on church calling, making lessons for church, RIGHT NOW.

I am going to type out my brain onto my little computer and then I'm going to read the library books to the kids. Because in a larger world perspective-the basics of life, of nurturing relationships with basics, my relationship with myself and with my children and husband are most important.

Not my relationship with my schedule and how productive I have been

Mommy friends

It is so important as a Mommy to have friends. I think not only does it keep you in check but it gives you someone to relate to.

It can be a hard match to find a great mommy friend. Honestly since my move to our current house I have not had that best extremely close in location mommy friend. I wish I had one and I still have my besties I made from my other areas of living but it can make a big difference in your life and the life of your kids.

Things I miss about having that closely located bestie

-You can call her and be like "Can we come over-things are a little sketchy over here and I need you to smile at me and my kids to have different toys to play with" and she says yes.

-You call her and she can say "NO, you are not crazy, those kids are being crazy-thats cool eat that ice cream tonight-I'll come over and eat some with you" or hot chocolate (starbucks date!)

-Maybe you get to work out together.

-She thinks you are super-even though you know you have lots of growing to do-she still loves and likes you

I have found with some friendships you have to try it out. Your schedules have to sync somewhat so you actually get to see each other, your kids need to get along and-at least for me-your parenting styles can't be too different. If I am over at your house and you put your 2 year old in time out for spilling something in a cup thats a deal breaker. They are 2 person calm down.

Also you can't can't come over and want to clean my house or notice all the dirty things in my house, helping I can see but not on our first mommy date, that is awkward.

Also for me I want you to be better at some things than me and honestly maybe a little worse than me at some things. Power matching. I am not sure we can be best friends if you are always shaven, unmakeuped and never frustrated-I mean surely don't think everything is awful al the time but if life is always amazing and perfect I simply dont' believe you. We can be friends but not besties.

In short (which I know I never am). We've got to try it out and see if we mutually can share with eachother without pushing. That is my experience. I want to be comfortable being myself around you and I want you to feel the same way.

And although I dont' have my close proximity bestie (I'm talking 1 minute commute time driving) I have realized that the ones I do have-although live far away now-I can still call and be like "The children are driving me mad!"

So if you are sitting at home feeling like you have no bestie mommy friends have no fear it will happen one day and if possible I reccomend finding a mommy group near you or library reading hour that you could take your little one to. There is something so healing and refreshing to be around other moms. You dont' have to like everyone or become friends with everyone you meet but eventually after trying out (I recommend a park date first) after a few, you may find someone you want to hang out with more and together you can continue raising your awesome kids with a little extra sparkle and cherry on top.

Ho Hey

I wish I could do to motherhood what musicians do to music.

Everyone has their preference of genre but there is sometimes when music-its lyrics and voice just stick to you and make the room all taffy and you want to pull it and strum with it and want to smother you house in the nice noise.

At least that is how I feel.

My favorite new album right now is the Lumineers. My oldest's favorite song is "HO, HEY". I think because he knows the lyrics.

I wish I had that gift. To pull all the things you feel inside and wind it around tight and colorful enough to let it go and have it whir into a song.

I wish I could do that with motherhood.

I can probably count on one hand the days in the nearly 6 years I've been a mom where the whole day was nothing but bliss without bumps and dips and an occasional longer bathroom break so I could read a magazine trying to ignore the voices outside asking me questions and hovering until I emerged again.

As a mom I find you have to hold a lot in. That patience button has to keep getting pushed and my goodness if I have learned anything its that flaring up at your kids is not worth it. Patience is worth more but it also costs a lot more.

My husband might be able to find a dollar amount to compare it to (Target receipts  Starbucks receipts, that Jello mold I've wanted to buy for 10 years and got on discount after Easter sale). I have my ways of letting off steam. It would  be better if  my steam was full of sweat and hard earned muscle something I am totally not into right now.

There are times when I feel this angstyness inside (yes this word is in my "by me" dictionary-the one you can find online with the purple unicorn and leprechaun hugging on the front cover cheering a starbucks).

When life has been busy, filled by appointments by me, visits, larger than normal dinners, service-all good things. But I know from experience you can't hold it forever and I am reminded of that when the mere mention of

"So and So peed on the floor again! aaa stop touchingme! MOOOM MOOOM! He licked it he's going to get Germs"

and then

"NO I didn't mom, she licked it! aaa aaa aaa MOm she's chasing me!"

and I hurry to wash my hands and flush the toilet and I can feel that twitch in my eye start dancing and I am foraging the kitchen for something delicious to put in my mouth. Really the easiest version of relief.

I hope one day to be a master musician. A methodone looking singe who creates music by emptying his stomach and mind of all its thoughts and experiences and concoct something brilliant to let people simmer in.

I hope to be the kind of mom who is so much less un phased by small trifles (and sometimes ginormous ones) to be able to hug my child full of mud and bug juice and not think about the laundry in my head that will be coming.

In short (which-lets be honest -is never short) I want to learn how to expel that angstyness in an even better and in an even more efficient and beneficail way.

To make motherhood a place of soothing comfort to others and at times a jolt of well earned experience. I want to be that mom whose experiences can be replayed and pulled like taffy acrossed a room. Making life that much sweeter. Even if just for 2 minutes and 43 seconds.

Being a wife

I have friends who plan on never  marrying. Maybe having kids even isnt' in their forte or have told me that maybe a forever engagement, maybe a kid but not being married.

Its a soapbox I have. Its hard not to have when in so many ways it is my ideal, the life I chose and the one that brings me supreme joy (although at times its ugly, challenging and stink eye level). It is never lost or broken but marriages go through ups and down, challenges.

And in my experience it does give you an opportunity to become closer, to relearn how to forgive, to relearn how to be patient, to let someone else change (or yourself) because I am in it forever with this man no if's and or buts.

Cathi Haunauer wrote an article in "REAL SIMPLE" magazine july 2012 that I love. I love the magazine and many of its articles but this one was especially true to me and pricked my heart. My favorite is her last line

"I remind myself tha tbeing part of a team doesn't mean I'm Lazy or can't do it myself. It just means that, right now, I'm lucky enough to not have to".

So being a wife, being a homemaker, being religious. I have been told or said to  "OH, you GET to stay at home"

Or

"You do what your husband tells you to do, I would never do that"

"I could never be at home, I would go crazy, too boring"

or told by a family member "YOu have anymore kids someone else is going to have to get a job!" (meaning me who is a homemaker)

All interesting and shortsighted statements (probably like when I was barely pregnant for the second time and decided I needed a change and cut my hair into a pixie-with the help of a professional of course-and my blooming body couldn't keep balance with my ever shrinking head)

Its hard not to have a soapbox when so many of other people's ideals, beliefs are not my own. And sometimes I have second guessed myself and my roles in my partnership
"Gosh maybe I should take out the trash, move dead animals, fix sinks".  but like Cathi said. right now I am lucky enough to not to have to.

I honestly believe 99 percent of women who have a partner who can support it (even if that means no cable, fancy cell phones, fancy clothes etc) can be Joyful homemakers full time. It is the best job in the world. But that doesn't mean it doesn't take pulling from the deepest part of yourself when you feel there is no deeper you can pull from. It doesn't mean that at times you think you "wasted" your education by not practicing in your field. It means you will have exchanged it for a period of time which is relatively short. The time when you are raising your kids in your home and being the number one caretaker for them.

It doesn't mean you get to have the cleanest house, the cleanest kids, the most toned body, the healthiest dinners everyday of the year (I mean maybe it will for someone but I have yet to meet a perfect anybody).

And as a wife I have certain jobs that I do and there are some jobs that my husband does with mingling in between. Just because someone wants something of you, expects something of you doesn't mean its bad if you fulfill those needs or expectations. Its part of a relationship where you aren't the only benefactor (kids take longer to become any kind of equal partner but really thats why they are children.....its our job as parents to take care of them).

And as a wife and mother, I have changed. I mean not just dramatically physically (you won't see me sporting little 7 for all mankind jeans anymore or Victoria secret bras) I most likely won't have straightened rootless hair or for that matter have stlyed hair except may be twice a week but my life is full of more potently awesome wonderful. The kind that doesn't age. I miss my old self sometimes (ok I miss that taut barely 20 body a lot) but I much prefer my new messier self with hanging skin. At least on the inside.

I am grateful to be a wife and mother and a homemaker. That as a wife I will know how to serve and help my partner and husband. Because he is important to me.

Mortality and being a Mom

A couple of weeks ago I found out that a friend of mine was expected to pass away "any minute".

Of course it came as shock to me and it is heartbreaking.

In the simplest terms it was depressing and scary.

I called my mom who (unfortunately) has had a few friends pass away young. And I asked "How do you even cope with it" and tearfully she explained how she still missed them and that it was weird when someone your age dies.

It is hard to write about it and my heart has been full of many things. Mostly that I try not to think about it because honestly I don't want to be crying all the time and my friend is still with her family. She hasn't passed.

I felt like I wanted to do something to be apart of something to help her family but I realize with what is going on I can't really except to pray.

I am finding as I get older (not yet 30 but still) that mortality is just that. Mortality. There will be an end to this part of the journey and you can't always know when it will be.

My friend has children living at home grade school even. And I am reminded about how deeply I love my children and how I am in a place where I have the opportunity to be with them, listen to their whining, helping my 3 year old clean up the pee that didn't' make to the toilet.

I never thought parenting would be easy (even though I couldn't quite understand how challenging) but I never expected to feel at times so threadbare doing it.

I have had the blessing of being around people who have challenges, even really staggering life altering ones and although I only see or feel a glimpse of it I am continually humbled about how much Heavenly Father is cognizant of us and our families and about how much he cares. I know this because I have felt it in my heart and know that it is true.

Life is a beautiful gift and it is harrowing at times but I am grateful for the gentle reminder to take advantage of the time that I do have for things that are nurturing for my family and myself. The things that really matter and to let go of many (many many many) smaller things that shouldn't be shadowing the more important.

I am grateful for my life and for being able to have the two children I have-not everyone gets that opportunity.

So as I start out another week (crossing my fingers that this week will be easier at my house) No matter what I will be thankful to still have time with my kids. Being a mom in Mortality is my favorite blessing

up late

up late

On the job training

So I've not been a career mom for that long.

Being a mom is a lot of on the job training. Take all the psychology classes, read all the child books and still you will come to situations where you are like "Wuhh?"

Yes, that is how it is spelled, calm down.

I am awe and jealousy of so many moms I love and know.

That mom who is like "ya I had a salad for lunch, Gosh I forgot to eat breakfast and we are having hummus for dinner"

Not because it seems she should be eating more its because I think "How does she forget to eat?????" I dont' know how that is possible, don't you get moody? I think about food all day. Sometimes when my husband is travelling for work I buy special treats that I look forward to everyday. The eating kind that is.

The mom whose kids are all put together with hair in ponytails or gelled with  matching shoes. Or all the kids are color coordinated for church.

Not because I think it makes them a perfect family but because I think "Geez, maybe I don't  have enough staying power to not let my kids pick out their clothes" I mean ya, I have some rules. "No babe you can't wear your bathing suit, and your brothers sweat pants and my bra.....no, its too hot outside-you are going to get all sweaty".

Or the mom who just pops out babies. Like seriously, timed, consistent has a baby every two years or less and is "thinner and fitter after 5 months than she was before having any of her kids". It seems so simple and I guess in some ways it is. Just not for me.


Phew. There is a lot out there I admire and at times feel hindered in my capabilities when over analyzing their capabilities.

But I had a wonderful thing said to me.

When picking up my son from this AMAZINGLY themed birthday party, superhero, I mean like for real, everything was themed and set up and all worked out with the beautiful cake I was just in awe and another mom (after me sharing my incapability for such awesomeness) said "EH, its not your special talent you have other stuff".

And I thought "Aha!" I liked that.

Its like you know things like that but sometimes it takes someone to just say it simply for it to click.

Everyone has their special mom talents.

Messes don't really bother me. I have paint stained carpet, marker colored walls (which by the way have not been coming off with magic eraser).

I let my kids "win" there is a lot of really important things in life, in teaching kids, but really some of them shouldn't be a battle. Sometimes you should have a cupcake before breakfast.

in comparison to some of the other mommies out there who might possibly be better at this career path than I am my special talents are phlamy but God has blessed me to have them and I think as a mom the best I (we) could do is to pray to do better than we thought we could.

I love parenting books, some better than others. Some contradict what another says but I like getting information about just about anything and finding if it can help anything in my life. To me its on the job training.

I know that along with prayer and my personal meditation, reflection and maybe taking some of those other mommies talents and seeing if they might implement in my life (forgetting to eat wont' be one of them) without  much hardship then it is is good thing.

I never thought I would be jealous of another mom's ability to throw a mean birthday or color coordinate her kids and have them wear what she picked out but-like I said-I have a lot more training to do

A word about depression....maybe a novel actually

Depression. I haven't talked frankly about this in a long time.

Firstly, let me say it is very important to have a professional opinion about Depression.

Secondly, my advice (which obviously is not professional) is if you decide that you want prescription help is to talk with a psychiatrist and not a family practioiner or obgyn.  I believe they will have a better knowledge of what is available for you and how to help-with you-to decide what to try.

Also, my advice on therapy is the pick one who teaches great coping tools. It is awesome to have someone to cry to and who will listen but at the same time you will be in time able to learn tools to help manage (beyond medication) depression.

In short. The First time I felt really depressed was in 2006. And after quite a few big life changes-in 2010 I was diagnosed with clinical depression and treated medicinally.

I sought out help from a therapist first to avoid medication and then ultimately medication with a psychiatrist.

I didn't feel depressed that whole span of 2006 to 2010 but it wasn't until 2010 that I reached a low point one night that it scared me.

It literally felt like my soul hurt and I couldn't imagine it ever going away. That was the darkest scariest time in my life.

I am not a really grouchy person. I am naturally a fun loving, quirky, sassy and at times prissy gal.

I remember seeing an advertisement for depression that said "Depression hurts" and I thought "That is so true!"

I don't like the term mentally ill either. Or using of the terms Mental Health. I don't have a great alternative for it but I think it has such a negative connotation.

I was on a prescription for depression for about 18 months and a little over a year ago I weaned off. What might be described as "successfully".

I know people who I love, admire and respect who do not plan on ever weaning of a medication. It has become and needfully so their daily routine.

Its easy to say to someone "If you had a bacterial infection you wouldn't refuse an antibiotic would you?" in describing why they should take an antidepressant but really. A bacterial infection isn't something that is kind of looked down upon.

I have not had a relapse or felt the need for medication since being off but I have become extra aware of myself.

For instance around lady business times of the month I don't sleep well and I get extra moody. So I have a regimen of diet that I try to keep.

Also, I've come to peace about talking about it with other people even with those who disagree or don't understand it. Like the person who might say-even though they love you-"well if you are depressed get up and do something, go work out, get over it". Its not that simple.

I read scriptures which bring me spiritual strength. Everyone finds their center. Where they feel peaceful. Find what brings you peace. And do that everyday.

Do an act of kindness. Some of the best and worst advice I got all growing up and still to this day when I'm complaining is "Sounds like you are thinking too much about yourself go and do something for someone else". Now if you are a homemaker, this doesn't mean making dinner for your family (unless you don't  do it already) its something beyond your normal tasks of service*.

If you have a partner, significant other, girlfriend, boyfriend, parent etc who does not understand or is not sympathetic toward your plight in depression. Don't be dismayed (yes that is an order!) As frustrating as it is to not feel validated by some of the people we love the most don't shortchange yourself. Ideally you can get support from everyone you loved but its okay if you can't, I don't think most people can. Find a support group online or call a mental health hotline or suicide hotline (I called twice and they were very nice and informative).

I believe that Depression is something that might always come and go in my life. I might be more prone to it (especially looking back at the gene pool) Life circumstances change etc.

I am grateful for a psychiatrist who held me accountable for things that I could change. It is not a good idea when you see a therapist who insists the other person changes to help you. It is not empowering.

This is a helpful website http://www.suicideispreventable.org


* I would like to note that service can be a great way to make new friends which may lead to an opportunity to strengthen support through a close friendship. However, I have come to realize that there should be a two way street when it comes to serving. When you are continually serving someone else without reciprocating from them its not a supporting relationship. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep reaching out to them but make sure you have ample support and time to nurture relationships that are supportive to you.

Wuuut?

When did THAT happen!!?

I had to make a major clarification the other day. Have you ever heard of the pull and lift? I learned this from my very posh grandmother when my older sister got her first bra.

I was a late bloomer so it wasn't until I was about 14 that I needed anything other than a sporstbra and then it was all downhill (literally) after having kids.

I tried a shirt on that I had just bought to show Mermis (husband) and after blink and short scrutiny he said "I think it will fit better when you have a bra on"

Who knew.
I felt the same way when trying on a pair of pants. Except with the pants it was like....It might fit better if I wear spanx.
Thats Cool, I'll stick with my trendy yoga pants and elastic thank you very much.

My kids didn't breastfeed long. I was not a milk producer for much more than 4 months and I have no regrets about it.

Before Kids not wearing a bra wasn't something I did regularly but I didn't NEED a bra. They knew where they were supposed to be and they stayed there.

Oh honey has age and elasticity changed. Now I understand the pull and lift.

Someone I have always loved and looked up to in so many ways asked me the other day when this topic came candidly up "Do you still buy 60 dollar bras?" And I was like Yes!

I have a small rib cage (like size 30-32)** and Heaven knows I don't want anything falling underneath while I am reaching the top shelf at target the get the size of diapers I need.

My kids are way to observant and as I tell my 5 year old when he tries to come in when I am getting dressed "Stay out its personal space while mom gets ready"

and then the inevitable

"Why"

"Because I don't want you to remember any of this....and you will thank me for that one day"

I am not embarrassed of being a woman. Actually I am quite grateful to be a woman. I would not ever want a hairy butt or ear hair or long nostril hair or have to pee in front of people in a urinal. Nope I am content and happy being a woman.

That being said I am learning as I get older that I am a bit more vain than I thought I was say when I was 20 years old.

And also to remember to try on shirts with your bra on.

**If you are any kind of double cup I recomend these brands
Freya-great fit and shape
Natori-although the band runs bigger and tend to stretch out more
Nordstrom carries them as does  http://www.barenecessities.com (Nordstrom has free returns in stores unlike bare necessities)

Oh dear Panda!

I have two kids. My youngest is nearly 4 and I have yet to "lose" my baby fat? I would like to say its not my fault but I rarely turn down a treat or a chance to watch a great movie (or lets be honest subpar  movie) to workout. I haven't been willing to wake up at 5am to sweat out my treats yet.

I sometimes think that if I lived in the Pioneer days. I wouldn't mind being chubby. And yes I am chubby. Being at my post 2 week baby weight with my second is chubby ( I am only 5'4 people). They didn't  brush their teeth, they wore long dresses, mostly likely didn't  shave or wax, they just lived without all the primping (or longevity, or teeth but I digress)

But there is a small motivation for me to go to the gym now. The Gym has cable and I do not.

Its like dangling a donut in front of a mother of two.

Heck yes, I'll sweat and strain on the elliptical to watch TLC, and HGTV and I'll even go 5 minutes longer to see what House they or are going to buy or rent or if the house gets finished in time with its remodel.

Well, on an usually sobering day I decided to watch the animal planet. Not usually my thing I much prefer the   people to the animals but I went at a different time and I didn't think I could handle watching another baby born and keep myself from crying (as I always think I will). And the animal subject of that day was Pandas.

Big ol fuzzy pandas.

Let me tell you something I love animals but oh honey do those zookeepers looove pandas.

So the story is this. Two pandas are taken from China, flown to the United states in hopes that they will be maters (not like in Cars but like as in mating)

The zookeepers are beyond thrilled and my hesitation begins when the first zookeepers gets so excited that the male is in heat. So they watch non stop on cameras as he tries to get to it and they say frustrated

"She just won't stay in the right position!"

This all gets very technical and they need to know when the Panda is in heat, why isn't  she letting him mate with her etc.
They have a team that watches and takes notes 24/7 to see if they actually offically mate.

Apparently no luck.

So both bears are put to sleep. They take the male and get his stuff and then take the female into the OR for Insemination.

At this point I look around "IS anyone else watching this? Is this real?"

I am feeling a little uncomfortable about the excitement surrounding this event. But I can't seem to turn the channel. Is this really real?


That lady bear is sprawled on her back dead to the world from anesthesia and she is covered on her lower half by a blue tarp except for a round spot which is blurred by the camera. Legs and paws splayed out

The procedure is over and the Dr excitedly exclaims "Beautiful! Beautiful!"

I felt like it was on the level of Dr. Frankenstein exclaiming "Its alive its alive!"

Oh mother. I love animals but apparently I don't LOVE animals. You keep the panda bears lady business to yourself thank you. And I am going to stick with my people television.

At least on that respect watching a chubby panda with no neck does not make me feel fat in the least and I am grateful that my job isn't to explain to that panda what  immaculate conception is in 3 months when she births her baby

PANDA: "But I never signed up for this....what??? WITH THAT GUY???!!!" she's going to be super pissed.