I wish I could do to motherhood what musicians do to music.
Everyone has their preference of genre but there is sometimes when music-its lyrics and voice just stick to you and make the room all taffy and you want to pull it and strum with it and want to smother you house in the nice noise.
At least that is how I feel.
My favorite new album right now is the Lumineers. My oldest's favorite song is "HO, HEY". I think because he knows the lyrics.
I wish I had that gift. To pull all the things you feel inside and wind it around tight and colorful enough to let it go and have it whir into a song.
I wish I could do that with motherhood.
I can probably count on one hand the days in the nearly 6 years I've been a mom where the whole day was nothing but bliss without bumps and dips and an occasional longer bathroom break so I could read a magazine trying to ignore the voices outside asking me questions and hovering until I emerged again.
As a mom I find you have to hold a lot in. That patience button has to keep getting pushed and my goodness if I have learned anything its that flaring up at your kids is not worth it. Patience is worth more but it also costs a lot more.
My husband might be able to find a dollar amount to compare it to (Target receipts Starbucks receipts, that Jello mold I've wanted to buy for 10 years and got on discount after Easter sale). I have my ways of letting off steam. It would be better if my steam was full of sweat and hard earned muscle something I am totally not into right now.
There are times when I feel this angstyness inside (yes this word is in my "by me" dictionary-the one you can find online with the purple unicorn and leprechaun hugging on the front cover cheering a starbucks).
When life has been busy, filled by appointments by me, visits, larger than normal dinners, service-all good things. But I know from experience you can't hold it forever and I am reminded of that when the mere mention of
"So and So peed on the floor again! aaa stop touchingme! MOOOM MOOOM! He licked it he's going to get Germs"
"NO I didn't mom, she licked it! aaa aaa aaa MOm she's chasing me!"
and I hurry to wash my hands and flush the toilet and I can feel that twitch in my eye start dancing and I am foraging the kitchen for something delicious to put in my mouth. Really the easiest version of relief.
I hope one day to be a master musician. A methodone looking singe who creates music by emptying his stomach and mind of all its thoughts and experiences and concoct something brilliant to let people simmer in.
I hope to be the kind of mom who is so much less un phased by small trifles (and sometimes ginormous ones) to be able to hug my child full of mud and bug juice and not think about the laundry in my head that will be coming.
In short (which-lets be honest -is never short) I want to learn how to expel that angstyness in an even better and in an even more efficient and beneficail way.
To make motherhood a place of soothing comfort to others and at times a jolt of well earned experience. I want to be that mom whose experiences can be replayed and pulled like taffy acrossed a room. Making life that much sweeter. Even if just for 2 minutes and 43 seconds.