Sunday, August 24, 2014

Cancer Survivors

I love seeing pink pigs at the fair. They smell terrible but they are cute. I have no desire to own one-and despite once desperatlely wanting a pet skunk because of their adorable faces I had the chance to pet a skunk pelt-and that my friends is not warm fuzzy-so I've moved on to just staring at my children and buying soft textiles and sheets and reminding my husband to put on lotion. Because that is what normal people do. Trade pet pigs and skunks for human things...right? right.

 I can definitley see a theme starting here on this blog. Is it too redundant to use the word depressed for everything? I think I use it a lot. Depressed and also the words- I LOVE IT!  This sounds very bipolar...which I am not (but I do love and admire people who are 'officially').

I didn't go with my family to church today. I have a gnarly cold/flu. And although yesterday I was feeling better today I woke up with it stuck in my head and chest.

So, since my brain is working....if somewhat foggy, I thought I would watch some "I'm a mormon" videos on Youtube. I really enjoy the videos. Besides being genuine it tells a story but in less than 10 minutes. Which is perfect for my a.d.d.-ness today (one reason why I can't go lay down and sleep).

Want to know a good decongester (no I am not writing Decongestant...pfft)? Watching "I'm a mormon" videos. Stuffed up noses? Watch some tearjearers and you will get cleaned out. Albeit-your nose will be raw and you will use all the 'good' toilet paper on your snuffer...but it helps.

This one especially touched my heart

When I was 15 my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. At the time, being a young teen I didn't quite understand the gravity of what that meant. I was scared but my mom was very brave. In my younger perspective it was hard for me to learn how to cope with that. My life pretty much went on fairly normally.
My older siblings weren't really around during this time period and I feel in some ways I was the keeper of these memories. I didn't have the same mom that I knew from before that time.

I understand better now how children are selfish. And how grateful I am that I could be selfish at that time because I had parents who took care of me, who provided a wonderful home. So when my mom was sick I felt guilty that I felt in many ways useless and being the more people pleaser that I am-I felt like I failed because I couldn't really help my mom feel better.

My sweet mom doesn't remember a lot during this period (things chemo will do for you!) I remember seeing her have all the emotions on the spectrum.

This last December my mom let us know that she had Breast Cancer again.It has been 15 years. It broke my heart. All those same feelings flooded back to me. I remember sitting in church months later (Feeling sorry for myself lol-literally-I know I can be very good at this) and it was Testimony meeting where members of the congregation can go up to the front and share their testimony and faith building experiences.

A woman whom I admire stood up at the front sharing her testimony and experience of being able to go to a Church Women's activity and how wonderful it was, and how she felt the spirit and she really needed it etc etc. And I was sitting there feeling so sad for myself. I had really wanted to go to the activity. Everyone I knew who could babysit was already going and my husband was traveling back to utah for work....again (a time which is really trying for me as a mom).

And this was not long after I found out about my mom's diagnosis and I felt so helpless. Like all those feelings I had as a young woman came flooding back.

It was overwhelming.

Months later my mom's hair is growing back, and she is remembering things again ( gone with chemo brain!).

And I know that her and my father had so much faith during this time. As a family we fasted and prayed and went to the Temple. I pleaded with my Father in Heaven for her. I know my parents had faith that they shared with me-because I did not have very much. I was terrified.

One of the mormon videos talks about being scared. And once the fear went away, everything became better. And I realize for me I am still scared mindless. Nothing else can happen to my family dang it!

When my mom was diagnosed we weren't' for sure moving back to Utah yet-I always had an inkling that my time in California was temporary and a blessing but that wasn't really quite sunk it yet.. It was a couple weeks later we decided that we needed to make the move for our family. I knew it was the right decision, but the decision nonetheless literally made my soul hurt.

I was scared I would be miserable forever, I was-am scared of being lonely, of hating the terrain and culture, not feeling like I fit in, not making friends, hating it here, of being mad at my husband because he has a life already here (having a career which started here and was built here and that he still has all those contacts and support networks for himself) and that I for the most part need to start over-I take my family with my kids and my adorable husband with me but thats it.

I was mad because I never wanted to live in Utah again-it was something that was truced on when we were married. It was our 5 year plan. I counted down all of those years until I could escape if you will- back to sunny California nearer to my family.

So despite knowing that this was an investment for the long term of our family it is so hard to see over the horizon. I hate the breakup of when you move. It is not possible to have the same contact as you did before you moved-and I understood this but it is still extremely hard.

Because we knew we were moving to  Utah we dropped out of the Adoption process in California. And this felt like a huge loss to me. For parents hoping to add to their family and investing time, concern and hope for 2 years it was like I lost the hope of that child. I know that we will add to our family again one day and I know God's timing is right and that we made the best decision for our family in the longterm but after having such an uphill battle with the process for so long its hard to let that go.

And maybe thats what it is. After holding onto something so tightly for so long its hard to let it go. Even if what is ahead of you is better for the long run (and isn't life really an eternal marathon?).

I still feel mad that my mom had cancer again. I feel angry at the doctors and at the world. I feel mad that she had to suffer again. There is still so much that can't be explained. A piece of your heart feels removed and lent when someone you loves suffers. Its not that the pain of the borrow is so harrowing its that they are suffering at all. I have faith in God. I know he answers prayers. I have been able to witness miracles. I know miracles are real. I know hardships really suck-the huge life changing ones and the ones that are just plain annoying (what do you mean we are our of m&m's!).

This past year has been extremely challenging, heart breaking, soul testing and has forced me to rely more heavily on my Father in Heaven and Savior. It has reminded me that so much doesn't matter. So many petty things don't matter. Oh heavens, I have so much experience with needing to shove my foot in my mouth and learning the 'hard way' with experience. I am often embarassed at my caddiness or short term perspective.

I like to joke that I no longer am embarrassed to wear tight jogging pants. Ya. I may not look like the vegan jogger who juices everyday and eats 'clean' but for the person behind me-it might be motivation to keep coming back! And it feels good to move your body without thigh chaffing.

So after being able to use a roll of tissue on my nose. After being able to mull and wallow and slop feelings all over a white digital page I feel a bit more secure. Much like a pig does once in the mud. Keeps the flies off a bit more, cools me down even though on the outside I might be a bit scroungy I  know that despite the layers of muck I am a perfectly squealy pink inside-I just might need hosing off before getting onto the carpet.

1 comment:

  1. I love your posts! You are so real. My heart aches for you and your family, you have all carried a very tough burden! Thank you for sharing your strength and your families strength with me, sometimes life does get overwhelming but it's helpful to know that other people have gone through hard things, relied on The Lord and are surviving. Keep hanging in there and keep sharing your witty life. Hope you feel better soon, I am at home sick with a cold today too. Instead of watching Mormon videos I am watching old movies on Netflix. You win!