Friday, August 22, 2014

Not very optimistic

Today I have not been feeling very optimistic. That is the shorter term for depressed. Okay-its not really shorter-I made that up but I feel like "not optimisitic" is a cupcake sort of way of saying depressed.

Sometimes when I feel like this I wanted to be melodramatic and write about all the blah blah that happened in the day (really nuthi'n to even snuff about it was pretty normal) but dealing with lady business or as Phil would say "Monstration" doesn't help the "this is where I live now moment I got today"

Living in California isn't all moonshine and bikini parties at the beach. But it was basically for the last umm....forever I ever pictured living for the rest of my life.I felt like I was thriving there like. I had a lot of moments there that weren't perfect (obviously life isn't) but It was the first time in like years of being married and being a mom that I had it really figured out.

I know, I know, life changes etc etc but for whatever reason my brain is not made to live here. Someone asked me (on a visit to California for an awesome family reunion-yes 15 minutes from the beach) How was Utah? And I can honestly say "As expected" and I do not mean that in a dramatic way. I expected to be hard and it is....but I am looking for all the silver linings (actually it might be more accurate to say I am laying in the grass staring up at the sky yelling to it "send me some more silver linings dang it I'm running low!")

In my experience. People who have not dealt with depression or anxiety don't quite understand the courage it takes to continue to plan on being happy and working to find, create, share silver linings.
Just like I don't know what it would be like to be a natural born runner or someone who is convinced Werewolves live in their backyard...I have just not been in that boat.

But being prone to depression, being depressed or on the down and outs means that you have the opportunity to produce a lot of bravery. To be more courageous and to act better than you feel.

There is a lot of awesome advice out there. A lot of great books (and bad ones) and good therapists (and bad ones-i.e. if you find you are crying every time you go to see  therapist...might not be the best therapist-just my experience). Some of my favorite words of wisdom that have helped me are

1. Pray to God for peace and courage (and tell him you feel terrible and how hard it is-he loves and understands you-don't believe anyone who says different)

2. Give service to others. At a really hard point in my life (when I first felt depressed after many deep losses) my mom said "It sounds like you are thinking too much about yourself-get out there and do something for someone else. And service and helping others does help. It doesn't nullify your problems or losses but helps you heal a little easier. My sister told me during this time "It won't stop hurting it will just stop hurting less".
And this advice is awesome and helps but as a side note (I am full of these) this is not the best way to make friends always. Sometimes people we come and contact with and learn to love are those who need our help and aren't able to give back in the same way. Everything needs balance

3. Figure out what is fulfilling to you. Maybe you wont' figure it out for a long long long long time. Maybe on a bad day you need to just order in pizza watch a movie with the kids (if they will sit that long),  have a loud dance party, maybe yell into a pillow while you are by yourself or do staring contests with the cats (if you have cats instead of human children). There is always hope-even if you haven't seen or touched it yet. Nothing is worthless.

1 comment:

  1. I heard this song on the radio that was all about "hope". It was really good. You are right, depression sucks but I'm glad that you have figured out resources for dealing with it. I tend to drown myself in chocolate which isn't the best resource. Love your comment about believing in werewolves in the backyard! Hilarious!!