Cancer Survivors

I love seeing pink pigs at the fair. They smell terrible but they are cute. I have no desire to own one-and despite once desperatlely wanting a pet skunk because of their adorable faces I had the chance to pet a skunk pelt-and that my friends is not warm fuzzy-so I've moved on to just staring at my children and buying soft textiles and sheets and reminding my husband to put on lotion. Because that is what normal people do. Trade pet pigs and skunks for human things...right? right.

 I can definitley see a theme starting here on this blog. Is it too redundant to use the word depressed for everything? I think I use it a lot. Depressed and also the words- I LOVE IT!  This sounds very bipolar...which I am not (but I do love and admire people who are 'officially').

I didn't go with my family to church today. I have a gnarly cold/flu. And although yesterday I was feeling better today I woke up with it stuck in my head and chest.

So, since my brain is working....if somewhat foggy, I thought I would watch some "I'm a mormon" videos on Youtube. I really enjoy the videos. Besides being genuine it tells a story but in less than 10 minutes. Which is perfect for my a.d.d.-ness today (one reason why I can't go lay down and sleep).

Want to know a good decongester (no I am not writing Decongestant...pfft)? Watching "I'm a mormon" videos. Stuffed up noses? Watch some tearjearers and you will get cleaned out. Albeit-your nose will be raw and you will use all the 'good' toilet paper on your snuffer...but it helps.

This one especially touched my heart

When I was 15 my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. At the time, being a young teen I didn't quite understand the gravity of what that meant. I was scared but my mom was very brave. In my younger perspective it was hard for me to learn how to cope with that. My life pretty much went on fairly normally.
My older siblings weren't really around during this time period and I feel in some ways I was the keeper of these memories. I didn't have the same mom that I knew from before that time.

I understand better now how children are selfish. And how grateful I am that I could be selfish at that time because I had parents who took care of me, who provided a wonderful home. So when my mom was sick I felt guilty that I felt in many ways useless and being the more people pleaser that I am-I felt like I failed because I couldn't really help my mom feel better.

My sweet mom doesn't remember a lot during this period (things chemo will do for you!) I remember seeing her have all the emotions on the spectrum.

This last December my mom let us know that she had Breast Cancer again.It has been 15 years. It broke my heart. All those same feelings flooded back to me. I remember sitting in church months later (Feeling sorry for myself lol-literally-I know I can be very good at this) and it was Testimony meeting where members of the congregation can go up to the front and share their testimony and faith building experiences.

A woman whom I admire stood up at the front sharing her testimony and experience of being able to go to a Church Women's activity and how wonderful it was, and how she felt the spirit and she really needed it etc etc. And I was sitting there feeling so sad for myself. I had really wanted to go to the activity. Everyone I knew who could babysit was already going and my husband was traveling back to utah for work....again (a time which is really trying for me as a mom).

And this was not long after I found out about my mom's diagnosis and I felt so helpless. Like all those feelings I had as a young woman came flooding back.

It was overwhelming.

Months later my mom's hair is growing back, and she is remembering things again ( gone with chemo brain!).

And I know that her and my father had so much faith during this time. As a family we fasted and prayed and went to the Temple. I pleaded with my Father in Heaven for her. I know my parents had faith that they shared with me-because I did not have very much. I was terrified.

One of the mormon videos talks about being scared. And once the fear went away, everything became better. And I realize for me I am still scared mindless. Nothing else can happen to my family dang it!

When my mom was diagnosed we weren't' for sure moving back to Utah yet-I always had an inkling that my time in California was temporary and a blessing but that wasn't really quite sunk it yet.. It was a couple weeks later we decided that we needed to make the move for our family. I knew it was the right decision, but the decision nonetheless literally made my soul hurt.

I was scared I would be miserable forever, I was-am scared of being lonely, of hating the terrain and culture, not feeling like I fit in, not making friends, hating it here, of being mad at my husband because he has a life already here (having a career which started here and was built here and that he still has all those contacts and support networks for himself) and that I for the most part need to start over-I take my family with my kids and my adorable husband with me but thats it.

I was mad because I never wanted to live in Utah again-it was something that was truced on when we were married. It was our 5 year plan. I counted down all of those years until I could escape if you will- back to sunny California nearer to my family.

So despite knowing that this was an investment for the long term of our family it is so hard to see over the horizon. I hate the breakup of when you move. It is not possible to have the same contact as you did before you moved-and I understood this but it is still extremely hard.

Because we knew we were moving to  Utah we dropped out of the Adoption process in California. And this felt like a huge loss to me. For parents hoping to add to their family and investing time, concern and hope for 2 years it was like I lost the hope of that child. I know that we will add to our family again one day and I know God's timing is right and that we made the best decision for our family in the longterm but after having such an uphill battle with the process for so long its hard to let that go.

And maybe thats what it is. After holding onto something so tightly for so long its hard to let it go. Even if what is ahead of you is better for the long run (and isn't life really an eternal marathon?).

I still feel mad that my mom had cancer again. I feel angry at the doctors and at the world. I feel mad that she had to suffer again. There is still so much that can't be explained. A piece of your heart feels removed and lent when someone you loves suffers. Its not that the pain of the borrow is so harrowing its that they are suffering at all. I have faith in God. I know he answers prayers. I have been able to witness miracles. I know miracles are real. I know hardships really suck-the huge life changing ones and the ones that are just plain annoying (what do you mean we are our of m&m's!).

This past year has been extremely challenging, heart breaking, soul testing and has forced me to rely more heavily on my Father in Heaven and Savior. It has reminded me that so much doesn't matter. So many petty things don't matter. Oh heavens, I have so much experience with needing to shove my foot in my mouth and learning the 'hard way' with experience. I am often embarassed at my caddiness or short term perspective.

I like to joke that I no longer am embarrassed to wear tight jogging pants. Ya. I may not look like the vegan jogger who juices everyday and eats 'clean' but for the person behind me-it might be motivation to keep coming back! And it feels good to move your body without thigh chaffing.

So after being able to use a roll of tissue on my nose. After being able to mull and wallow and slop feelings all over a white digital page I feel a bit more secure. Much like a pig does once in the mud. Keeps the flies off a bit more, cools me down even though on the outside I might be a bit scroungy I  know that despite the layers of muck I am a perfectly squealy pink inside-I just might need hosing off before getting onto the carpet.

Not very optimistic

Today I have not been feeling very optimistic. That is the shorter term for depressed. Okay-its not really shorter-I made that up but I feel like "not optimisitic" is a cupcake sort of way of saying depressed.

Sometimes when I feel like this I wanted to be melodramatic and write about all the blah blah that happened in the day (really nuthi'n to even snuff about it was pretty normal) but dealing with lady business or as Phil would say "Monstration" doesn't help the "this is where I live now moment I got today"

Living in California isn't all moonshine and bikini parties at the beach. But it was basically for the last umm....forever I ever pictured living for the rest of my life.I felt like I was thriving there like. I had a lot of moments there that weren't perfect (obviously life isn't) but It was the first time in like years of being married and being a mom that I had it really figured out.

I know, I know, life changes etc etc but for whatever reason my brain is not made to live here. Someone asked me (on a visit to California for an awesome family reunion-yes 15 minutes from the beach) How was Utah? And I can honestly say "As expected" and I do not mean that in a dramatic way. I expected to be hard and it is....but I am looking for all the silver linings (actually it might be more accurate to say I am laying in the grass staring up at the sky yelling to it "send me some more silver linings dang it I'm running low!")

In my experience. People who have not dealt with depression or anxiety don't quite understand the courage it takes to continue to plan on being happy and working to find, create, share silver linings.
Just like I don't know what it would be like to be a natural born runner or someone who is convinced Werewolves live in their backyard...I have just not been in that boat.

But being prone to depression, being depressed or on the down and outs means that you have the opportunity to produce a lot of bravery. To be more courageous and to act better than you feel.

There is a lot of awesome advice out there. A lot of great books (and bad ones) and good therapists (and bad ones-i.e. if you find you are crying every time you go to see  therapist...might not be the best therapist-just my experience). Some of my favorite words of wisdom that have helped me are

1. Pray to God for peace and courage (and tell him you feel terrible and how hard it is-he loves and understands you-don't believe anyone who says different)

2. Give service to others. At a really hard point in my life (when I first felt depressed after many deep losses) my mom said "It sounds like you are thinking too much about yourself-get out there and do something for someone else. And service and helping others does help. It doesn't nullify your problems or losses but helps you heal a little easier. My sister told me during this time "It won't stop hurting it will just stop hurting less".
And this advice is awesome and helps but as a side note (I am full of these) this is not the best way to make friends always. Sometimes people we come and contact with and learn to love are those who need our help and aren't able to give back in the same way. Everything needs balance

3. Figure out what is fulfilling to you. Maybe you wont' figure it out for a long long long long time. Maybe on a bad day you need to just order in pizza watch a movie with the kids (if they will sit that long),  have a loud dance party, maybe yell into a pillow while you are by yourself or do staring contests with the cats (if you have cats instead of human children). There is always hope-even if you haven't seen or touched it yet. Nothing is worthless.

Depressing Dr. pepper

I am drinking Dr. Pepper for lunch.

I think there is some kind of cruel chemical that is put into water when school starts.
Monday-no school. Woke up to alarm, went walking, did some weights and came home before family was awake. no problem

Tuesday-First day of school and it was a bear to wake up

Wednesday-Worst than Tuesday. Woke up the kids in order to leave.

Maybe its just knowing that the next 9 months you are being scheduled and summer is a bit more free flow. Either way I am not a fan of this current situation.

Today I got to have a yummy breakfast with the lovely e and cousins. With my oldest now in school full day my day feels less hurried-so even though my body has been a bear to move in the morning the day is a lot more low key. My second will be starting kindergarten part day next week and matching playdates for her is a lot simpler she in general enjoys company as well and understand social cues a bit better.

I know its not a good day when for Lunch what I decide I want to have is a Dr. pepper. Not just because I hate Dr. Pepper but also because I kind of had sworn off coke....because besides being a smidge of a shopoholic I am a bit obsessive about eating. I go through phases of not being very hungry but eat to keep energy to be hungry all the time. And then especially around baby box madness I am an endless pit. And for someone who is not-how should I say this-athletic or in general slim.....it is not in my best interest to just eat all day-that is not good for anyone.

I know it is dependent on my mood as well but as I told my husband earlier this week "I knew I would be depressed with this move and it would be hard....but I was kind of hoping I would be depressed and lose my appetite....so at least I lost some weight as a consolation prize". He was not amused. But as usual I can laugh at my own jokes so it made my brain smile-even if he was not betwixed by my chubby funny girl charm.

Moving is lonely. I know from experience that usually good friends take time and that not to expect to make besties the minute you move in. Even if you are in fairly friendly neighborhood relationships just take time and with summer just getting over and school starting I know other moms are busy with their schedules.

Because I know I love to be around people I make it a point to get out and smile and talk with people and with not having a strong network in this new place  I have been making some attempts to get some forced socialization in-because I know I am happier this way.

I have applied to volunteer at the animal shelter and been looking into book clubs.

I just got an email this morning that unfortunately, the book club I had inquired about it is full-and it was a kind letter-it is a ginormous group.

 But then I think about my next steps. What if the humane society doens't want me? (I really just want to love on some cats and be with other people and I feel it shows how determined I am because most animal fanatics are borderline personalities-with the exception of some friends whom I love that I know-and taniaml fanatics tend to have different set of social skills).

So for plan C;
It sounds like I Just need to force others to socialize with me. If nothing is firmed up in a couple of weeks (there has to be other lonely souls out there who love company right?) It sounds like I need a few more volunteer applications (and no at this point I am not very interested in being involved in the PTA as unfortunate as that sounds)

However,I dont' feel like its always the best time when you are somewhat desperate for friendship to look for it (just like finding love when you are desperate you are willing to take what you can get in that department).

I will try to make all advertisements for friendship not sound creepy if it comes to plan R, S, or T-I promise. I really do not plan on making any people skin outfits ("it will put on the lotions!!")

There has to be someone out there who wants to come over and have me feed them Dr. Pepper for lunch-right? Right.

So, while I plot my next move to become engaged in this new rancid weather state I'll continue trying to curb my shopoholicism and do crafts and art at home with my 5 year old....with the occasional tript o Ikea for picture frames (they have to go somewhere right?)

My husband asked what I was going to do when I was all done decorating (the only thing right now I really am looking forward to) and I couldn't answer him but maybe what I should have said was "Learn how to make homemade Dr. pepper".