Monday, October 5, 2009

Just when you thought it was over

I had an epiphany the other day. I complain, sure. I endure, sure. But do I enjoy. Heck yes.

So Hubby and I have had this conversation about how life as changed, what we used to do. At times I really miss it. I miss working in heels all day, eating out and then going to the gym. Going to a late night movies and being able to buy pretty clothes on a regular basis.

Would I trade what I have now for something else? Some things I totally would, but I wouldn't ( and obviously) can't change what I have gained and learned.

Being a mommy and a wife has given me the opportunity to learn so much about myself. To learn (and continue to learn) to be less selfish. I have learned that sacraficing at times brings greater happiness.
Like when you decide not to have the second bowl of ice cream and the next day you can use the restroom and aren't all bloated--case and point.

I for a few months kept thinking "Is this the life I signed up for? Is this the life I willingly entered into?"

Obviously we don't know what the future will bring. I don't necessarily believe in fate. I do believe in following what you feel is right.

I look back at where I was and talking with my sister she mentioned what about 10 years ago. And I said, "Do you mean if ten years ago you told me I would be married with two kids and and 30lbs heavier before the age of 25?"

I wallowed a lot after Smandre was born. Besides depression and my personal version of "very gray days" I felt I had lost myself.

I have wallowed a bit after buggy was born and as I was sitting on the floor with hub watching little buggy smile and wiggle I began to cry. "My babies are growing up and it makes me sad"!

I never thought I would ever say that! I felt like I had two babies for the longest time. IT was at that moment that I realize I had grown a little, that I did sign up for this and dang it get over it.

That was my epiphany.

I signed up to be an at home mom. To do housework, play and care for the kids. I signed up to sacrifice my body for months at a time to house a little person who will enrich our family and someday someone else's.

I am happy that I signed up for it. It is a challenge, but dang it this is what I wanted--to be home.

Heck yes at times I grumble and scitter (is that even a word? If not I still like it) around the house in pj's and catch a glimpse of my fuller self and notice the dark circles, but I won't have this time again.

Just when you think its all over. That life as you know it has become too dull and boring. YOu realize. If you sit with your eyes closed weeping with self pity. You miss the beautiful colors that are constantly changing around you. Get over yourself, enjoy it, and jump into it. Nothing is ever as fun as a grumbling spectator.

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