Sunday, November 23, 2014


I have gone through so many different emotions about how many children to have in our family. Annoyed at the prospect of waiting to add to our family. Feeling strongly like we needed to add-going through an very interesting and very hard learning experience with the State of California Foster-adoption program and then coming back around to  "we would love to add to our family" but when the right time comes we will know it-and that could be 15 years from now.

I used to feel more guilty about not having more kids. Where I live now it is very common to have families with 5+ children. And when I first moved in I felt different because our family was much smaller than that.

I think for I gave in to the lie that people who are religious and family oriented have large families. Because life is all about children and families. And that last part I do believe. I do believe Families-if you have the opportunity AND would like to have children is awesome. But I do not believe that proof of how much family is important to you relies on the number of children you have.

My perspective on what it means to have children and to parent has changed as I have become more aware and sensitive to the time and needs that my children have.

I genuinley thought at age 19 when I married that since I was married younger our family would have 5 kids by the time I was 30. Then I would dust off my hands and be done having kids and move forward with my life. I maybe would go to school, get a job, whatever that was.

That was not exactly what I wanted but for some reason I think that was expected of me. Kids and babies are the things you get out of the way before your other life begins. Like you parent them as babies and toddlers and then put them on cruise control and you go about to do your 'real' ambitions in life.

It is not true. I see now having my two (which are 19 months apart dare I say) has been a luxury. Not because some people struggle more than we have to have a family but because of the dynamic of our family and the special needs within our family-at these ages. And some of these more urgent special needs are not becoming apparent until being older.

So I am grateful now and can see why My father in Heaven helped guide our family the way he did. I am grateful that my naieve thinking didn't place an extra burden on my children because of my lack of understanding of parenting.

Parenting is Forever and I plan on doing it with a purpose.

There was a part of me that was so excited with both my kids being in school. I thought about getting a part time job somewhere just to meet people and have extra cash at hand for maybe a trip to Disneyland. But fortunately for me I knew I needed to wait a while before persuing side  hobbies if you will while the kids are at school. And now with the great deal of time I am needed at my children's school to help, for meetings etc. I am grateful I don't have other huge obligations outside my family.

I do at times daydream about having a nanny. Like a respite nanny on a weekly basis but I've learned that frozen meals vs the homemade ones and even, yes, taking your family to mcdonalds or KFC for dinner is better than lashing out at your children or husband because you have had a stressful day being "mom" and with being "mom" whatever that entails within your home.

Having a large or little amount of children is not a badge of honor or proof of how good or bad of a parent you are. How your children behave isn't necessarily either.

Sometimes being a parent sucks. I don't care what anyone says. As a parent you have basically no control over your children. You influence, care and love and create boundaries and expectations for them but any good parent cannot control their children. And sometimes not having control truly sucks in so many different ways. But a great gift that we can give children is by making concious choices, with the guidance of a loving Heavenly Father so that our families can thrive-whatever size that is. 

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