Dealing with Anxiety

I never really thought I had anxiety. I have met many people who have talked about their anxiety in forms of not sleeping at night and ruminating all of the horrible things that could happen-nightly.

So in that way I didn't think I had it. I do but its in a different way.

Last week was an extra crazy week. I was gone everynight of the week for a social function or service. Non stop busy. So as Sunday night came and a new week was beginning I started getting weary of ANY engagements of the week.

And it wasn't until 2pm on Monday (a carpool day-me taking home) that I remembered I had a 4pm dentist appointmentt. AAah!

Dentist days for me should be the day when you are at home having fun with your kids making messes and creations not being busy. Dentist alone causes anxiety.

So come 3:30 I've been running around most the day since 8am and I was in a little panic inside my head (I Don't want to go to the dentist and the house is a mess and etc etc etc)

My sweet husband listens to me (who bless him was home from work sick sick sick and in pj's but still taking the effort to help me talk about the thigns sitting in my brain).

Because when I am stressed and anxious about the lack of time (or really lack of control) over things happening in the week I can't see all the control I do have and I am like a black hole. Pulling in all the other things happening in the next two weeks and piling that on top of myself and thinking about it un rationally.

And then there was still the impending doom of the dentist.

I have been off medication for quite some time now and I don't easily forget the feelings like the above explained nearly every single day before I sought help-so then I pull that into my hole "Oh my gosh do I need medication again?'

Ruminating, analyzing, worrying, and feeling stuck in what you don't want to do etc.

That is my anxiety.


NO amount of logical thinking helps me in these cases. It makes it worse because for me how I am thinking is rational and logical even if I know in different circumstances I might not be pulling the world around me for no reason except for being anxious.

That being said and all that above hufflepuff and I dont' have a system down pat to help with it but I do have helpers.

1. Talk to someone who will listen (even if you yourself say it outloud without anyone hearing-something I've done).

2. Find something to do that blocks out your thoughts for a little bit (music you can sing to, reading a book, a funny show)

3. Do something. Maybe doing 1 thing on your long mental list (I hate writing it down because for me it almost validates all the things that HAVE to be done- on paper makes it real)

4. Cut out tomorrow, or the next two hours and focus on that hour you are in-how can you make it the best for the situation

5. Fill up at a quite time of things that are deeply rewarding. There is somethingto be said for being on empty and still being needy-you have no more to give it feels!

6. Reassess the decisions I've been making when I am in a calmer place. Anxiety, fear, regret all has a place in life, it shouldn't rule your life but they are purposeful emotions. Maybe a decision your making isnt' the right one and you are feeling anxious because you need to be cautious or should't be doing what you are going to do. Or you need to mantra yourself that its something new and there is a term my husband uses with me "The cost of experience" which I love. It doesn't end the world but you can learn from it. A perfectionist I think is a lot easier to get fettered by decisions because the decision although maybe menial might not be the optimal one-and that is OK!

I realize everyone's anxiety runs at different speeds and everyone has different triggers.

I need downtime, fun time, productive time-I am not a person who thrives on being busy all the time and feeling like these grand things are being accomplished. I am busy enough trying to raise beautiful human beings better than the best I hoped I could and counting down until I drink soda again (on our next family vacation-I have to start somewhere on this weaning off sugar thing).

With my kids older and both in school I treasure quiet time at my house (when they were younger and not in school I could barely stand being at home all the time especially since my youngest was always sick). When my kids are sick and we need to be in quarantine and all they wan to do is snuggle and watch shows and daze off I am like "HECK YEs!" that sounds awesome. No school, no times to be anywhere. Sole purpose is the just be here and do basics. And unless my husband is traveling for work I am feeling kind of spoiled ot be sitting down watching shows with my kids (although I have nearly outlawed Dora-oh my goodness she will one day come haunt me in my dreams as an old person).

I kind of think that once being in a low place you become somewhat extra sensitive (well maybe I should just speak for myself) of changes in mood. And it took me a while when I was on and while weaning off medication to figure out what my "normal" was. No one has great days all the time but is it normal for me to be anxious for a month? no.

It has helped me to figure out my triggers and then instill some safeguards (like I already knew-can't be gone every night of the week and be busy all day).

And although the perfectionist inside of me demands that I probably should be cleaning, prepping a freezer meal, cutting up all the strawberries, checking laundry, working on church calling, making lessons for church, RIGHT NOW.

I am going to type out my brain onto my little computer and then I'm going to read the library books to the kids. Because in a larger world perspective-the basics of life, of nurturing relationships with basics, my relationship with myself and with my children and husband are most important.

Not my relationship with my schedule and how productive I have been

Mommy friends

It is so important as a Mommy to have friends. I think not only does it keep you in check but it gives you someone to relate to.

It can be a hard match to find a great mommy friend. Honestly since my move to our current house I have not had that best extremely close in location mommy friend. I wish I had one and I still have my besties I made from my other areas of living but it can make a big difference in your life and the life of your kids.

Things I miss about having that closely located bestie

-You can call her and be like "Can we come over-things are a little sketchy over here and I need you to smile at me and my kids to have different toys to play with" and she says yes.

-You call her and she can say "NO, you are not crazy, those kids are being crazy-thats cool eat that ice cream tonight-I'll come over and eat some with you" or hot chocolate (starbucks date!)

-Maybe you get to work out together.

-She thinks you are super-even though you know you have lots of growing to do-she still loves and likes you

I have found with some friendships you have to try it out. Your schedules have to sync somewhat so you actually get to see each other, your kids need to get along and-at least for me-your parenting styles can't be too different. If I am over at your house and you put your 2 year old in time out for spilling something in a cup thats a deal breaker. They are 2 person calm down.

Also you can't can't come over and want to clean my house or notice all the dirty things in my house, helping I can see but not on our first mommy date, that is awkward.

Also for me I want you to be better at some things than me and honestly maybe a little worse than me at some things. Power matching. I am not sure we can be best friends if you are always shaven, unmakeuped and never frustrated-I mean surely don't think everything is awful al the time but if life is always amazing and perfect I simply dont' believe you. We can be friends but not besties.

In short (which I know I never am). We've got to try it out and see if we mutually can share with eachother without pushing. That is my experience. I want to be comfortable being myself around you and I want you to feel the same way.

And although I dont' have my close proximity bestie (I'm talking 1 minute commute time driving) I have realized that the ones I do have-although live far away now-I can still call and be like "The children are driving me mad!"

So if you are sitting at home feeling like you have no bestie mommy friends have no fear it will happen one day and if possible I reccomend finding a mommy group near you or library reading hour that you could take your little one to. There is something so healing and refreshing to be around other moms. You dont' have to like everyone or become friends with everyone you meet but eventually after trying out (I recommend a park date first) after a few, you may find someone you want to hang out with more and together you can continue raising your awesome kids with a little extra sparkle and cherry on top.

Ho Hey

I wish I could do to motherhood what musicians do to music.

Everyone has their preference of genre but there is sometimes when music-its lyrics and voice just stick to you and make the room all taffy and you want to pull it and strum with it and want to smother you house in the nice noise.

At least that is how I feel.

My favorite new album right now is the Lumineers. My oldest's favorite song is "HO, HEY". I think because he knows the lyrics.

I wish I had that gift. To pull all the things you feel inside and wind it around tight and colorful enough to let it go and have it whir into a song.

I wish I could do that with motherhood.

I can probably count on one hand the days in the nearly 6 years I've been a mom where the whole day was nothing but bliss without bumps and dips and an occasional longer bathroom break so I could read a magazine trying to ignore the voices outside asking me questions and hovering until I emerged again.

As a mom I find you have to hold a lot in. That patience button has to keep getting pushed and my goodness if I have learned anything its that flaring up at your kids is not worth it. Patience is worth more but it also costs a lot more.

My husband might be able to find a dollar amount to compare it to (Target receipts  Starbucks receipts, that Jello mold I've wanted to buy for 10 years and got on discount after Easter sale). I have my ways of letting off steam. It would  be better if  my steam was full of sweat and hard earned muscle something I am totally not into right now.

There are times when I feel this angstyness inside (yes this word is in my "by me" dictionary-the one you can find online with the purple unicorn and leprechaun hugging on the front cover cheering a starbucks).

When life has been busy, filled by appointments by me, visits, larger than normal dinners, service-all good things. But I know from experience you can't hold it forever and I am reminded of that when the mere mention of

"So and So peed on the floor again! aaa stop touchingme! MOOOM MOOOM! He licked it he's going to get Germs"

and then

"NO I didn't mom, she licked it! aaa aaa aaa MOm she's chasing me!"

and I hurry to wash my hands and flush the toilet and I can feel that twitch in my eye start dancing and I am foraging the kitchen for something delicious to put in my mouth. Really the easiest version of relief.

I hope one day to be a master musician. A methodone looking singe who creates music by emptying his stomach and mind of all its thoughts and experiences and concoct something brilliant to let people simmer in.

I hope to be the kind of mom who is so much less un phased by small trifles (and sometimes ginormous ones) to be able to hug my child full of mud and bug juice and not think about the laundry in my head that will be coming.

In short (which-lets be honest -is never short) I want to learn how to expel that angstyness in an even better and in an even more efficient and beneficail way.

To make motherhood a place of soothing comfort to others and at times a jolt of well earned experience. I want to be that mom whose experiences can be replayed and pulled like taffy acrossed a room. Making life that much sweeter. Even if just for 2 minutes and 43 seconds.