Talk about it

Why is that sometime we have to go to Hell and back to figure out where we want to be and ideally where we are?

I have learned and relearning about the need for help. The need for a 'Village'. I think often that it would be nice to have a village again. A society where we know each other better. Where we are involved with each other more.

We have so many distractions (mine is the computer).

During my period of non medicated up and downs I went to a short lecture about Faith in Trying times. It was a religious lecture focusing on how the person speaking had been through multiple hardships and had to learn to listen to that small voice that tells you what to do to help. To pray for help.

I am a very religious person. I can't say that I always have been but I grew up in a family that was devout. And it wasn't until my very trying times that I learned what it really meant to pray.

Sometime talking about it outloud sounds so cheezy. But to someone who understands even a glimpse of that reality.

During that lecture I thought about many of the situations I put myself in at home. And what was it that I could do to make my job (a chosen at home) more successful, more rewarding and less stressful.

So we cancelled cable-because I could easily stick my kids in front of it all day and/or myself and watch all my favorite shows instead of going to bed at a decent hour

I lowered my expectations of myself-yes it is nice to have a clean house and any pictures we take casually of our family has stuff in the background (spilled food perhaps, laundry, toys, shoes) but that is the stage of life we are in

Found the things which help me be happy-working out really hard can actually be really invigorating, praying fervently, reading scriptures, decluttering

Renewed my vows to invest in relationships-A new good friend taught me about the freedom of no silly gossip (something she doesn't do and something I now am aware of with myself), that quality time with my husband is not watching television-its just talking, that there is always something with your own family that drives you crazy but it is probably better just to get over it (or sever ties if need be which I have had to do)


Why is it that so much of what hurts us we don't talk about?

As mommies it is our job to provide the best environment for our kids. That is what we signed up for. You know yourself well enough and for some of us our spouses know us well enough to know what that best is. We/I need to take care of myself so that I can take care of my family. It isn't just about time and staring at them and saying 'I love you' It is also about being an example. Showing that we value ourselves so of course our children are valued as well.

I have learned after going to depths of despair and coming back and feeling more myself (at least the new me that I am getting to know) That you need to talk about it. You need to do something about it. And you need to leave room for change when something better and fulfilling comes into place even if it is uncomfortable at first.

Kind of like a new bra. Sure you may be used to the grandma lugger holder but they weren't meant to touch your belly button. Hike em up and wear em' proud.

Disappointed

I recently read a couple articles in some fashion magazines that I like. One was an interview with Gisele (soon after having her baby) and the other was with Heidi Klum. Both beautiful both supermodels. Both soon after having babies in bikinis and looking great. But both of which gain what is needed for their babies (not 40 or 50lbs) and workout and eat really well to be able to do so. They don't treat their bodies like garbage bags.

Since having my first baby I have still not figured out the balance of all done up or nothing done. I went from working and being dressed stylishly in tailored clothes. Make-up and Hair done everyday to being at home and rarely sporting make up and definitley never tailored clothing.

I had an ephiphany a few days ago when I was discussing this very topic with my sister/confidant/person who tells me how it is and I still love her. "We aren't all Gisele's. Yes you should do your make up"

And I was a bit disappointed. Sure I see magazines and know that that isn't my body type or bone structure. Even if I worked out and lets saw got really fit I would never have long lean legs. But it is still sad to me to finally come to terms with this fact. There is as part of me that really did want to think "Well if I did get really fit I would look like that".

Aww man. I really liked the fantasy that there are people out there who were sprinkled with extra lean dust in Heaven who can eat whatever they want, not workout, and still look fabulous.

So you mean in order to look our best we actually need to 'do' ourselves and nurture our bodies. Boring.

So as I mull this over and type this, listening to my baby girl learn to put herself to sleep and nudging my newly emptied snickers bar to get to the "Q" key I think "Its time to be your best self"

My body has changed a lot. Things are lower and I swear parts have moved completely since giving birth and I am still not used to it but I want to be my best self on the outside as well. It is something that is important to me so (Looong heavy sigh) I guess I actually need to put in the work and do it.

I guess its a lot like helping your baby go to sleep on her own. Some kids cry one night for 40minutes (My oldest) and wam bam they sleep through the night where as others (baby girl for example) take weeks to wean from being put down and falling
Why is it that fantasy can be so disappointing?

Some people naturally and I also think were nurtured to take care of their bodies and be active. They learn early on that work pays off. Where as people like me it takes a long time to finally break down and say "I am tired of feeling like I am wearing a fat suit so I am going to do something about it". It takes weeks to wean myself off of snacking all day and took a good 4 weeks of aerobics classes to realize that hard work feels wonderful and is very rewarding.

So if you are feeling disappointed about yourself break through your dark cloud of self doubt/fear/laziness and get your butt moving.

Life is meant to be enjoyed not be disappointed by.

How to Sober up

A few months ago I called the mental health hotline for my insurance. I had had a really low point where it seemed everything hurt, almost literally. It was like I had all the unexpressed desires, hurts, angers, fears bottled up inside and it made my body hurt.

I was tired, angry and I spent much of a night crying to God about my anguish.

After talking with my sister who gratefully is open about her own struggles told me, "Take it from me, you don't want to get where I have been. Get help now".

So I called my insurer to talk about who was covered so that I could get chemical help (I wish this just meant a facial of somekind on a paradise beach).

While on the phone the kind women (who is a trained therapist) asked me the routine questions one of which was

"How have you self medicated?" I laughed. "Crying and food" I answer

"How much alcohol have you used to self medicate"

not surprised I say, "None, I don't drink, but sometimes I wish I did".

"No you don't, then you would have a whole other load of problems".

I don't drink alcohol and I never have. I know I don't just speak from my experience, but I have talked with more than 3 people (all of which don't drink) about how sometimes it seems like it would be nice to, or as I have said

"It is a good thing that I don't drink or I think at this point I would be an alcoholic"

Self medication. Self soothing. Something we try to teach our babies so that they sleep and don't need pacifiers or a bottle to be able to sleep (items that have been deemed either unhealthy or corroding to development).

As adults we need that too. As moms we need that even more. What is it that you self soothe with?

As divine and specifically different people we need different things. We receive things differently, we cope differently, we respond differently.

But what I believe (and am learning over and over again) Is that we need close relationships. We need bonding. We need to feel loved and heard. Some people may get that from blogging (wonder why so many people do it?) It may relieve you of your thoughts without the pressure of being judged in as my computer husband would say 'real time'.

We need, especially mommies close connections with friends. You can vent on a blog, rant on a blog, but the only way to find satisfaction with any of it is sharing it with somebody who you know loves you despite anything you feel you may be hiding under the table.

Its the difference between having fast food and a homemade meal from scratch. Sure In n out is quick easy and relieves your hunger faster, but the result does not last as long and just plain isn't satisfying especially if you are used to 'real food'.

Those deep, intimate connections relate us to others and help make what we say feel important.

I am a fairly open person but I have to push myself often to do it.

I have felt alone in the world, I have felt at times friendless and marooned.

But I have learned that there is nothing like talking with a friend whom has served and you have served and who you have exchanged trials with that is more sobering.