It hissed at me

I got one of those glade sensor air fresheners and Hubby walked by it a couple weeks ago and kind of gave a jump when it went off "It hissed at me" he said. That made me laugh and ever since then I think of him saying that and it makes me giggle inside.

I know that he is thinking of that tonight "it hissed at me". Today I wore my grumpy goggles. They feed impulses into my brain and bloat my tummy and give me cramps all day and a voracious appetite. The kids more prodomniatley Smandrew did not take nap(s) today and I was going cocoo for cocoa puff as lido would put it.

Having kids all day from 7am-8pm non-stop makes the grumpy goggles fog up and life seems quite a bit less happy. Hubby just informed me as I was sitting rocking buggy to sleep that "He couldn't deal with me anymore" I cried of coarse mostly because I was embarassed and agreed. I totally understood what he meant. And with all that moisture in my goggles I had to take them off and calm down for a bit. Refocus. I had been hissing at him since he had been home. Even when I tried to run away (or as he would say abandon them) and went into the computer room to order pizza online for dinner he followed me in and I just about freaked out I wanted to scream and cry "I just want to be left alone and have quiet for 5 minutes!!! Please! I am going crazy!"
But I didn't instead I hissed at him and told him to leave me alone I could take it anymore (sounds kind of the same right?)

Ugh, I am glad today is over with and tomorrow is a new day. The pizza by the way was disgusting just FYI don't order the hand tossed from Pizza hut. Really don't order greasy food for dinner when you already aren't feeling that great.

The battle of the emotions begins and for the next week I will have to keep my goggles in check beccause it will be that long until uhumm is over with and my body calms down.

Normal Mariah has thought of some things that makes her laugh and wanted to document them (because you have to admit-talking in the 3rd person about yourself totally makes you seem more sane and points plausible)



A little list of the moments that have made me laugh really hard.:

Laying next to Smandrew and he touches the mole on my cheek "hmm" he says and then proceeds to try and get it off with a very concerned face

My little niece eating chocolate cake and me teasing her asking "Did you eat some cake?" "No..." "Who did it?" " The rat" while she had cake all over her face

Kalon and I laying in bed and I went to put my leg over his and he flicked his leg up so fast and pushed mine back down
"Cat like reflexes" he said (like in the old car commercial)

In Idaho and on a trip to Starbucks with hubby and Dad. Dad is telling a joke and he is laughing hysterically at himself and his funniness which makes us laugh too. Then I say "You just crack yourself up don't you" and he wheezes out through laughing hysteria " I know....I just can't even stand myself"!

My sister in law playing rock band. My hubby and her hubby (my brother) convince her that in order to change the menu options she needs to talk into the microphone which she does while my brother controls it with his remote control. She responds about how cool it is etc etc. They eventually let her know that is not how it works and even though I would have totally done the same thing-it is still hilarious to me to think about


Life is good, sometimes People suck and most of the time dancing and music make it better.
Next time someone, or something hisses at you remember We are all allowed to be crazy once in a while and if it persists tel them to take off the grumpy goggles and calm down and I would reccomend offering to buy them a treat. Like how you would bribe an angry dog to look the other way with a big raw, meaty bone.

The baby made me fat

What not to wear.Ok seriously this is one of my favorite shows on TLC. I love the makeovers and the way people glow once put into pretty well fitted clothes. It is like a light is clicked on and they feel not just better, but really more themselves. The self they forgot about years ago in pursuit of other goals wether career or family.

In college someone asked me if all my family was like me.

Basically meaning: really into clothes etc. and makeup and of coarse my reply was NO.

I think they had meant it to be negative, but I hadn't taken it that way at the time and I am grateful to have grown up in a family where being well manicured was important, but money was tight. I grew up in a family where the matriarch was always dressed well and face on (make up that is).

I expected myself to be that way when I had kids (doesn't every mom want to be the pretty, nice mom that people want to visit with?) I didnt' realize it would take about 2 years to get closer to my expectation.

Fluctuating with so much weight the past 7 years between hormones, pregnancy, depression and overeating I have learned that Darn it I can like myself for the way I am. But it took a lot of tears and self pity to get to it.

I today read an article in a fashion magazine about someone struggling with the last 5lbs. (Oh bother 5lbs!) so they would look great in the Vickie's bikini they had just ordered.

And I realized while and as I was reading it "Get over yourself". Woopidi doo dah. Stretch marks and cellulite and hanging parts have nothing on 5lbs.

By the end of the article it mentioned workout to stay healthy not lose weight, but having a weight goal will never be satisfying because you will always want to do 'better' or lose more.

I am not going to be that person who goes the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself for the choices I have made (Having children, not working out all the time, and eating what I want).

My great friend T from Livermore whom I recently got to visit said, "Gosh the way you talked I thought you were going to be huge-you look great!"

Meaning my blog complaining about the extra weight I had and the struggle to stiffen my jiggle that I blab about.

And I am so glad she said that because afterward I thought, "She is right...it did sound like I was ginormous" And even if I feel that way. Most of the time what we feel about ourselves isn't true (especially the negative).

I want to be more toned. I have given up the mentality of "IF only I could wake up and be 123lbs again"

Don't get me wrong there are still times where I think it would be nice if that could magically happen, but I am not basing my happiness, or what I think my life would be like if I was there again.

Looking back at pictures after having my first baby I wore big clothes, pajamas and anything comfy that flowed away from my body. Not becoming or attractive on me.

I didn't realize at the time when my mother scolded me for wearing men's clothes and informed me that I wasn't allowed to take my husbands pajamas anymore that she was doing me a service.

While competitively speaking in college I learned "Look good, feel good" all is in perspective of coarse. College, before the child bearing days (yes I base my timeline on this)

So when I see people who wear scroungy ill fitted clothes and seem to not care at all about their appearance, or the way items fit them I always think "Do they really not value themselves enough to do so?"



So I pose a question to whomever might come across my rant to ask yourself

"Am I feeling frumpy because that is how I dress and act about myself?"

Then ask

"Do you dress your personality?" "Are you frumpy because you really are a dull boring person who doesn't care about your worth?"

Well you are just going to have to get over it, or as my mom would tell me "Well, that sounds like a PP, personal problem".

I am not going to be donning furs, or sporting the obnoxious skinny jean, but I am investing in myself.

To not have so many put downs, to wear clothes that fit well and to be proud of this somewhat mauled body of mine. And yes at a current heavier and less toned size I can buy a hot pair of jeans full price, why punish yourself for being what you are right now?

Sure I dont' have the perky emblems of pre baby, or the tummy of a teenager. I have been noticing wrinkles (which I am blaming on Andrew), but really Mariah get over yourself and enjoy what you have in life.

Because really in the end the Baby made me fat.








Proud point for me:

I don't wear board shorts to the beach anymore. I have for the past 13 years and it took having a baby less tone, more to squeeze into spandex, and a tummy scar to realize:

1. I am not that important that people need to look at me and snap pictures of my 'faults'
2. There is a good feeling that comes with being the only one in a one piece at the beach who isn't afraid of the snow white thighs. I am what I am.

Just when you thought it was over

I had an epiphany the other day. I complain, sure. I endure, sure. But do I enjoy. Heck yes.

So Hubby and I have had this conversation about how life as changed, what we used to do. At times I really miss it. I miss working in heels all day, eating out and then going to the gym. Going to a late night movies and being able to buy pretty clothes on a regular basis.

Would I trade what I have now for something else? Some things I totally would, but I wouldn't ( and obviously) can't change what I have gained and learned.

Being a mommy and a wife has given me the opportunity to learn so much about myself. To learn (and continue to learn) to be less selfish. I have learned that sacraficing at times brings greater happiness.
Like when you decide not to have the second bowl of ice cream and the next day you can use the restroom and aren't all bloated--case and point.

I for a few months kept thinking "Is this the life I signed up for? Is this the life I willingly entered into?"

Obviously we don't know what the future will bring. I don't necessarily believe in fate. I do believe in following what you feel is right.

I look back at where I was and talking with my sister she mentioned what about 10 years ago. And I said, "Do you mean if ten years ago you told me I would be married with two kids and and 30lbs heavier before the age of 25?"

I wallowed a lot after Smandre was born. Besides depression and my personal version of "very gray days" I felt I had lost myself.

I have wallowed a bit after buggy was born and as I was sitting on the floor with hub watching little buggy smile and wiggle I began to cry. "My babies are growing up and it makes me sad"!

I never thought I would ever say that! I felt like I had two babies for the longest time. IT was at that moment that I realize I had grown a little, that I did sign up for this and dang it get over it.

That was my epiphany.

I signed up to be an at home mom. To do housework, play and care for the kids. I signed up to sacrifice my body for months at a time to house a little person who will enrich our family and someday someone else's.

I am happy that I signed up for it. It is a challenge, but dang it this is what I wanted--to be home.

Heck yes at times I grumble and scitter (is that even a word? If not I still like it) around the house in pj's and catch a glimpse of my fuller self and notice the dark circles, but I won't have this time again.

Just when you think its all over. That life as you know it has become too dull and boring. YOu realize. If you sit with your eyes closed weeping with self pity. You miss the beautiful colors that are constantly changing around you. Get over yourself, enjoy it, and jump into it. Nothing is ever as fun as a grumbling spectator.